Out of Reach

Have you ever felt like this?

This is how I feel a lot of the time lately... like the things I want the most in this life are just out of reach ... I'm not quite sure how to stretch any farther... and most of the things I want are out of my control.

Greatfully a new year is just around the corner... a time to change the things I can and learn to appreciate the things I can't.

Christmas Eve Already

I can't believe how fast this year has gone! One year ago tonight we were at Ashleighs house and I was bursting at the seams waiting to tell Ray we were pregnant... I took the test while he went to get gas then put it in his stocking... needless to say I hardly slept I was so excited for him to find out. Here we are one year later and I am amazed at all that has transpired. I feel like I am living from the outside looking in... I just can't wrap my head around the fact that this year is coming to a close so quickly.

We have been busy since the last post... tis the season right
Here are a few pics of the season :)

All the boys making Mom Kings famous Christmas punch... they wait all year for Christmas eve to come just to have this punch.

Grandpa Nessen & Abbi at the Nessen Family Party Dec 19th

I have no idea what everyone is laughing about but I love this pic! I have such a great family!

Grandma Nessen, Abbi & Maci

Grandma Nessen, Rhett & Tyke (isn't my Grandma Beautiful!)

Grandma Huffs Christmas Party isen't Kenna darling? My cousins Mykol & Nicci

Putting up the tree at our new place... not a great pic but we love it!

Me and Nash (5 months) Love this little Boy! (Thanksgiving at Huffs)

I have so much to be Thankful for! This season I am thankful that I have a family who loves and gives and shares the Gospel just in the way they live. I am Thankful for good friends who bless our lives with Love and Laughter... and I am Thankful for my Savior Jesus Christ. I have had some doubts about how this whole life thing works but as I have held onto the things I have been taught I am thankful that I know my Savior and I am thankful for the Hope I have in something better.

There's Only one more sleep till Christmas

Do you ever just wonder...

Ok so I have been a slacker at blogging and not for lack of things going on in our lives... we bought a new car in October, we've moved into a new place and a whole mix of things in between... but I never have my camera with me to upload pics so I will post pics of those things later.

Lately I feel insane... this is not a new thing I have felt this way for a while but it is now getting to the point that I have a hard time controlling my thoughts and sometimes my tearful reactions. Take for instance my trip to Target last week. I love Target for a number of reasons... however this shopping trip turned into a meltdown for me. I was there for over an hour because they moved everything around (it looks great but its extremely confusing) then when I got to the checkout I couldn't find a gift card I had been saving... as I searched frantically the line behind me got longer and longer and to no avail in finding it.. I just paid with our credit card GRRR... this resulted in tears as soon as I hit the parking lot they continued all the way home. Are you kidding me? What is with the meltdowns for no reason. This is just one of many meltdowns lately which leads me to wonder many things...

Does he hear me? Is Heavenly Father aware of me personally when there are BILLIONS of people that need him...
Am I doing what I agreed to in the life before this one?
If I knew it would be so painful and I would feel so lost would I still agree to it?
Why are my emotions so out of control?
Who am I really supposed to be?
How do I get from where I am to where I need to be?

Sometimes I just wonder if I am cut out for what lies ahead... will the craziness just get worse or will it get better with time? I hope it gets better or I'll be blogging from a padded room ha ha

Do you ever wonder or do you just know?

Live Today TOFW

So this past weekend I had the opportunity to go to Time Out For Women with some of the amazing women in my family. Talk about an AMAZING experience and just what I needed in my life at this time. The theme was 'Sweet Assurance' (pic above and I have no idea who that woman is) and it was absolutely sweet! This was their 1st time in Salt Lake City and I am certain it will not be their last. I am still on a high from it and feel like my life has changed because I was able to hear and feel of so many amazing womens experiences

On Friday night we were so blessed to hear music from Jenny Oaks Baker (Elder Oaks Daughter) she is a famous violinist and SOO talented. Sister Neilson (married to Elder Neilson of the 12) and Sherri Dew spoke talk about POWERFUL I love that woman. I was so moved on Friday that I could hardly wait for Saturday... well it proved to be just as amazing each speaker made an impact on my heart and made me want to be a better woman, a better wife, sister, daughter, aunt... the list goes on and on.

One of the major highlights for me was this woman

Hilary Weeks.

Ok I LOVE this woman and don't even know her but have listened to her music for years. She is one of the main reasons I wanted to go and when she opened on Saturday morning I felt so overcome by her talent. She is absolutely beautiful and has an amazing ability to share the spirit. She is funny, Witty, and amazingly talented. We bought her CDs before the event even started on Saturday and with each song she sang my sister and I would check our CDs to make sure that particular song was on there . I felt like what ever she was singing applied exactly to me and to the things going on in my life. There is one of her songs that I have adapted as my 'theme' song because it says exactly how I feel at this point in my life.

Saturday was 6 Months since the birth of Blaze and I think by no coincidence I was meant to hear all of TOFW and particularly hear Hilary sing. The song is on her new album If I only Had Today and it is called "Just Let me Cry" (here is just a little clip of the chorus I will try to post more soon www.hilaryweeks.com/clip.php?clipid=justlet) it speaks exactly what my heart feels. So many of her songs do that for me. I have made a goal since this event to replace the not so spiritual things in my life (such as music) with thing that will allow me to hear the voice of the Lord more clearly. I am indebted to all the women who spoke at the conference and particularly to Hilary Weeks. I am grateful that she is sharing her talent with us as Women and Daughters of God. Christmas is coming soon so check out her new Christmas album it just went on sale a few weeks ago here is a link to more info on her too http://deseretbook.com/hilaryweeks (below is a picture)

My Sister and Mother in Law went to get our things autographed from here while I was taking a little break. They took my CD to her and it wasn't until I got home that I read her message is said

Dear Janet,

Live Today

Hilary Weeks

I read it to Ray and my eyes filled with tears that is exactly what I need to do is Live Today. She didn't know that but I feel that she was inspired to write it...
I just know that if I could stick her in my pocket I would for sure make it to Heaven. She inspires me to be better and to know that God Loves me despite all of my weaknesses and heartaches. He hears me, he knows me, and he Loves me and because of her I am able to remember that. I feel so blessed and so grateful!

Chosen One

Our darling friend Liz sent us this wonderful poem last week and I wanted to post it on our blog. It rings true in ever sense for me. The test of Faith seems to come the hardest these days. Thank You Liz for loving us and for sharing!

Chosen One
(I don't know who wrote it)

If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you..

If God had told me "this soul will one day need extra care", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith", I still would have chosen you...

If God had told me "this soul would make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river", I still would have chosen you..

If He had told me "our time spent together here on Earth could be short", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me 'all that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you...

Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you...

Tomorrow we are going to order Blazes headstone I can't even begin to express what this does to my heart... we have put it off or at least I have because it seems so final and so heart wrenching and I am tired of my heart being wrenched to say the least. With all that has drastically changed in our lives I still would have chosen Blaze to be in our family. He's the reason I go on when everything in me wants to stop. I can not yet say I am grateful for this experience I just hope whatever God needs for me to learn is being learned because I feel completely broken beyond repair. It is wearing on me, my wonderful husband, and my faith. Heaven give me strength to understand and the ability to move forward.

(just a little side note I realize my blog may become depressing my intention is not to make you feel depressed. This has become my outlet and journal (plan on printing it into a book) So as one of our cousins posted on her blog I don't apologize for anything written here it is my release and my support so Thank You for those who read I love each of you and am so thankful for your support)

Inspiring

This is my sister Ashleigh

AMAZING and INSPIRING (and not to mention BEAUTIFUL)

Ashleigh is my ROCK and such an inspiration to me! She has been thru so much and is full of Faith, Love, Courage, and Perserveriance. Ash lost her little girl Maliah due to early complications in pregnancy. I wasn't here for her I was on my mission and now going thru this loss with Blaze I don't know how she did it. I am so grateful to have her as my Rock she is one who truely understands lifes heartaches with me. I have no doubt we chose to be sisters in the life before this one and I am so grateful because I could not make it thru this life without her! She is so Inspiring to me! I LOVE HER!

This is Abby (from the Biggest Loser)

Completely INSPIRING

For those of you who haven't been watching the Biggest Loser Abby is AMAZING! Last night was a heart wrenching night on the Biggest Loser. Abby shared her story as Jillian was asking her how she does it... how does she keep going when everyone she loved was taken from her. She shared that 2 1/2 weeks after her little boy was born she wasn't feeling well so she had decided to go to the emergency room to get it checked out. Her little 5 year old girl came running out to the car and told her "Mommy I Love You" She kissed her and got in the car. That night her husband loaded the kids in there van and 5 miles from their home was hit by a man doing over 100 MPH it killed them all instantly. HOLY COW rip my heart out! How does she even get out of bed in the morning? I am so impressed with her courage and strength to go on when something so tragic has happened to her. I personally don't know if I could do it! She said she came on the show to learn "how to love again to go from just existing to living."

SHE IS AMAZING

For me the phrase "to go from merely existing to living" Is much easier said than done. A few things on the show hit home with me last night... I find that most of the time I am just existing because I am not ready to live again. I am learning how to move back into living but it is not an easy nor a fun process. Jillian also said to Shay (who I also LOVE) that she was "the Victim of and unfortunate circumstance but not the reason for it" (her Mom was a heroine addict who died). Here goes a bit of bearing my soul.... I have so often thought that Blaze didn't live because of me... I gave in too soon, I exercised too much... a million things that I should have done differently that may have saved him. I have no idea how Abby or Shay feel but I feel that I can relate on a certain level to both of them.

Life is unbearably HARD sometimes and watching the show it is a big realization that so many people struggle so much. I can't imagine loosing my whole family in one day... or in one lifetime but I do know how it feels to lose part of my family. I can't imagine what it feels like to have your mother care more about her addictions than Loving her child but I can relate to being part of a very unfortunate circumstance.

I have such a huge range of emotions I would give ANYTHING to have Blaze back the coming holidays are proving to be harder than I thought... I would give ANYTHING to be pregnant again... I feel like such a snot sometimes! I am sorry if I don't talk to you because your pregnant or have just had your baby it is not because I am not happee for you I genuinely am... I just miss my baby and I hope you understand that! I hope you understand my greiving is FAR from over it has nothing to do with you personally. I am trying to put my trust in God and have enough Faith to not merely exist but to live. So to all of you who inspire me to be better and stick by me while I am trying so hard to move forward

THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU!!

Great Friends

On my mission my Aunt Patti sent me a Halloween card that 6 years later is completely applicable it read" They're Big, They're Scary, They're Out of Control...." and on the inside it said "They're my THYS" I laughed forever about this card, thinking about it still makes me laugh!
And now its just how I feel my Thys have become great friends and the madness has GOT TO STOP. No more eating whatever I want and no more idly sitting by while they become closer and closer something has got to be done and no day like today to stop them from becoming even better friends.
Yes I am blogging about my thys :) Next may be about my arms... ohhhh I better not even get started on that.

Eventful Life & FHE

OK so it seems like we have been on the go NON STOP for the last 4 months... we have been home one weekend in 22 weeks INSANE I know! Part of me is grateful it has helped time to go faster for me and part of me feels like I am missing out on life as it whisks right by I am grateful to have been so busy and there are no signs of it slowing down anytime soon. So to catch up on what we've been doing
* We bought a new Nissan Murano and Love IT! The Blazer died we need something reliable I have always loved them... but when we test drove one it was Love for both of us and we shopped around and found a great deal we LOVE IT!

** Cindy (a girl that we taught on my mission) came to visit us for 10 eventful days we loved having her here and are glad she was able to come

*** We went to Zions National Park while Cindy was here we've never been there and didn't have much time there but what we saw was Beautiful! We were also able to spend some time with my mission companion taught Cindy in Hurricane while Ray went to see his Aunt Lillian and her family.

** We just got home from an eventful weekend in Idaho Rays youngest brother played JV and kicked butt then his other brother was first runner up for homecoming Royalty. We watched Homecoming games in the FREEZING cold weather, went on 4 wheeler rides, Shot guns & Had lots of fun and are getting a new little niece on the King side.
* Yesterday (Sunday) my little nephew Nash (not so little 3 months 15 lbs) was blessed so we were able to spend the whole day with my family and had a great time.

We are 98 % sure we are moving into a new place more to come on that later
Last but not least
FHE so the second Sunday of each month my Grandma and Grandpa Huff have FHE at their house in Brigham. It happened to be yesterday as we were on our way home from Idaho. I didn't really want to go because we had been in the car for a while and gone all weekend I just wanted to go home and relax... well we decided to go an I AM SO GRATEFUL that we did. I LOVE my grandparents I have been so blessed to have AMAZING grandparents on both sides (my Moms and my Dads) and now to have Rays as well we count our blessings! FHE consists of Dinner then a lesson assigned to different families each month. So last night my Uncle Joel gave the lesson on Conference and did a little quiz to see who listened to all the talks. We had a blast! just reviewing what we had learned and been taught... we laughed and cried a bit. I just want to express my gratitude for my family! I feel so BLESSED to be a part of something so wonderful! Each time the lesson ends we go around in each family and give updates on what is going on in each family (there are 8 brother and sisters so it takes a while) then we sing God be with you till we meet again each time my Grandma cries which starts a whole lot of tears for everyone. Last night there was a very special spirit (there always seems to be) I distinctly felt the spirit in the room as we sat together singing hoping that God will be with all of us until we meet again. I just want to say I am so GRATEFUL for the heritage which is ours. I am SOO Grateful that we were able to go!

Powerful

I have a lot to Blog about but my emotions are a little to raw at the moment so I will blog about this man.

Jeffrey R. Holland

He is my favorite apostle (if you can have favorites I do). He tells it like it is and I love that about him. I always look forward to general conference to sit and listen to the council of the prophet and apostles. There is nothing like a good jolt to get my spirit going again. We were able to go to the Sunday afternoon scession and Elder Holland spoke first. Talk about powerful!! If you have not heard him speak or read his talk you should. When he speaks it always reaches my heart he speaks with POWER and PASSION and TRUE CONVICTION. I feel blessed to have been in his presence along with all those who spoke. He spoke powerfully about the Book of Mormon and the men who have died for its cause. He bore testimony as a whitness of God of its truthfulness and power to bring peace in our lives.

I want for that peace to be in my life and in our home and because of him I resolve to have it and not take the Book of Mormon for grantid as I have. Living the gospel really comes down to doing the basic things we've been taught since we were little. Daily prayer, and daily scripture study, service, and with each thing we do to come closer unto the savior we are promised his blessing and that peace that only he can give.

So today I am grateful for Elder Holland for his passion and conviction to the gospel of Jesus Christ and all of the men and women who lovingly prepared to teach us this weekend.

Tender Hearted

Last night we went here... who can beat $2.00 admission

We went to see a little of this BULL RIDING... nothing beats a good rodeo

We also saw this... a lonely Elderly Man...

He came up the stairs of the band stands (we were at the very top) he kindly asked the people in front of us if all the seats in their row were taken they said yes.. and he started searching for a seat again.. I as well started searching for seats for him... there were a few behind us. He quietly and kindly sat down by himself to watch the rest of the rodeo. I kept looking at him my heart breaking for him he must have been so lonely. I leaned over to Ray and said life is harsh sometimes... I wondered what this sweet little old man has lived to see and what heart break he has faced. The older I get the more I realize how tender my heart is... I felt so bad for him. People shouldn't have to feel lonely especially the elderly it breaks my heart!

Then this morning I stopped at the gas station on the way to work and a little elderly man who could barely walk had to get out of his car and go in to pay for his gas... he could barely walk.. and because some punks steal gas he has to prepay... so it took him forever to get into pay I offered my help and the gas attendant had already offered... I was on the phone with my sister and broke into tears which made her break into tears... my heart breaks for the elderly, the down trodden, the lonely, and broken hearted. Why does life have to be so harsh sometimes?

I feel like the Lord is trying to teach me a lesson allowing me to see those who need a little help or a freindly face.. I hope we all can reach out to those who need a little help, a seat to sit in, a hand to help at the pump, and a smile to help them along the way. I am an overly emotional person anyway but I would never change the way I feel it helps me to Love a little deeper even if it causes tears I am grateful for the ability to love and to care.

Balloons for Blaze

Blazes due date was this last Saturday August 29th... a day I have been dreading for months... so many days in August I have wondered if I would make it till the end but we did... and I am grateful. We went home for the weekend to help Ash with her booth at the fair and to spend time with our family. We spend the weekend before with Rays family we are so blessed to both have amazing families and to have been so busy the month of August I am grateful!
On Saturday morning we drove out to Howell it doesn't take long for the emotions to roll in each time we drive there thinking back over the events that have happened in our lives over the last 3 months.... tears come easy as they did on Saturday. We went to Blazes grave and just talked about how different our lives are now and how different they might have been. We stood at our little boys graveside for a while... we bought some ballons to release and some to leave with him... releasing them was so much harder than I thought... I couldn't bring myself to let go thinking that I was letting go of so much more than just ballons... all the anguish in my heart. It took me a long time but when I felt the time was right I let them go. We tied them together so they would not be apart... like our family I guess gratefully I am tied to Ray and he will help me make it back to Blaze. I feel a lot better than I have maybe I needed to just turn over what I can't control to the Savior and I feel like a big part of me did when we released the ballons for Blaze. We miss him EVERYDAY and can't wait to see him again!

Blazes Grave Marker in Howell. Ray picked out the Orange Balloon (his favorite color and I'm sure it would have been Blazes too) The Flowers were from my Grandma Huff she gave them to us the day of his service and they are still going strong. The Bear is from Rays Aunt Echo she is so sweet and we wanted Blaze to have it by him.

My Handsome husband talking to out son... he is the worlds best Dad! I am so grateful for him!

Me not wanting to let go of the balloons... and Ray waiting patiently for me to have the courage to do so... Oh my heavens for me there are so many emotions tied to this picture I miss our little boy more than words can express!

The releasing of the balloons... the sky is cloudy and I remember thinking that morning... the weather reflects just how my heart felt. WE LOVE YOU BLAZE and MISS YOU Every Single Day!

My Uncle Dirk, Uncle Byron, and Ray gave me a blessing on Saturday night that I really needed I am so grateful for the preisthood power... I am grateful for the knowlege that God is aware of all we are going thru and I am grateful to know that Blaze is safely in his loving arms just waiting for us to make it back to him. Ray also had a blessing that reassured me God loves us for that I am grateful!

One Day You Will

Ray took me to the Kenny Chesney concert on July 23rd it was AMAZING! We were 26 rows from the stage and it was seriously so AWESOME! Here is Kenny supporting the U! He played for an extra hour because Sugarland couldn't make it again AMAZING!!
This is our new favorite band LADY ANTEBELLUM they were awesome! So good that we bought their CD on Friday and we LOVE IT!! You can see how incredibly close we are to the stage THANK YOU HONEY worth every penny!

Miranda Lambert came too but she was way too woman rule everything for me... way too much woman power we have pics but I didn't post them... we liked Lady A and Kenny much better!

So since we purchased thier new CD we have listened to it a dozen times. We were cooking up some goodies for weekend family events on Friday night with their CD playing... when the last track came on we stopped dead in our tracks... it is exactly how we feel now... what we are going thru... the only place I could find the song was on Youtube... so you don't have to watch the video but you can listen to the song its called on day you will... it is exactly how we feel.

Here it the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wB_rRIWoGAA

also here are the Lyrics.. THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO LOVES US AND ARE HELPING US GET THRU THIS EXTREEMLY HARD TIME IN OUR LIVES WE LOVE YOU!!

One day you will Lyrics

You feel like you're falling backwards

Like you're slippin' through the cracks

Like no one would even notice

If you left this town and never came back

You walk outside and all you see is rain

You look inside and all you feel is pain

And you can't see it now

[Chorus]

But down the road the sun is shining

In every cloud there's a silver lining

Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)

And every heartache makes you stronger

But it won't be much longer

You'll find love, you'll find peace

And the you you're meant to be

I know right now that's not the way you feel

But one day you will

You wake up every morning

and ask yourself What am I doing here anyway

With the weight of all those disappointments

Whispering in your ear

You're just barely hanging by a thread

You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath

And you don't know it yet

[Chorus]
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

Find the strength to rise above

You will Find just what you're made of, you're made of

[Chorus]
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

One day you will

Oh one day you will

Just One More Day

I love reading about other peoples stories... how they got to where they are now.. what events in life have changed or shaped them. We have been watching a few of my cousins the last few days while my Aunt Patti and Uncle Dirk went on Trek with their stake. They came home last night and I could feel the spirit they carried and see it in their eyes that they had just had a life changing experience. They shared some sacred and inspiring experiences which made me have a new found gratitude for those who have gone before. Little did I know how it would bless my life now...
I have been having a really hard time and am struggling a bit with depression so last night as Ray and I knelt down to pray I spilled all of this lifes heartaches out to him the things I feel and my most inner struggles and heartaches. I let a lot of it out and then he asked me to say our family prayers... I said "I don't want to pray or have anything to do with religion right now" he very lovingly said "Will you please be the one to pray and let Heavenly Father know all you are feeling" I reluctantly did so... it was one of the most humbling and one of the hardest things to face telling God all that I feel and I don't think I have the faith to make it, I can't do it on my own... and as we were kneeling there both in tears. I felt such a gratitude for those who have gone before... those who sacrificed ALL they had because the loved God more than the trails they were going Thur they loved him more than anything life could throw at them, they loved him more than most may understand... I am so Grateful for those who went before I am grateful for the legacy they have left for us to follow and most of all I am grateful for their Faith to keep going when they maybe didn't want to but they did because they had to... I feel much like that I only keep moving because I have to and pray for the faith to make it... just one more day just as they did... I am grateful that because of their faith mine in strengthened.

Uncomfortable

I know that it seems I only post when things are hard but it is my way of getting it out and hopefully helping us heal. We have had quite a few good days we went to the Kenny Chesney concert last Thursday it was AMAZING we were down by the stage and it was AWESOME I have the BEST husband in the world! We had a good weekend we swam a lot and played a lot our Blazer broke down hauling a wave runner up Parleys canyon. So we had it towed and the mechanic won't be in till tomorrow to look at it so it didn't seem like a big deal we have another car... well last night we went for a drive up the canyon and our car started overheating and today I barely made it home it was overheating so bad... to make a long story short both of our cars need some work... we have both had a very hard day the saying "when it rains it pours" seems to be true at the moment for us. I will post pics of our recent doings soon but tonight I need to vent a little...

I have had a hard day! As I read back thru our experience in the hospital I remember having very hard days wondering if I could make it long enough to give Blaze a fighting chance... I wondered if emotionally I could take it anymore... and I said those were among some of the hardest days of my life... and they were and we are still living some really hard days.

I have felt that a lot of people are uncomfortable around me... for good reason I used to be uncomfortable around those who had suffered such a loss. And not knowing what to say I thought it was better not to say anything at all. Now being on the other side it is just as uncomfortable if not more so. I know you don't know what to say but neither do I... I know that nothing you can say will make the pain any less or the healing any easier. I know that it is uncomfortable for you because you have never been where we are and if you have been you know the heartache that comes with such a loss. But it is uncomfortable for me too... It is hard for me to see your new baby or the one your about to have... it is hard for me to see your life and not be jealous that everything is going ok for you. It is not just uncomfortable for you but it is for me too. I am sorry if I make it hard to be approachable I don't mean to. The truth of the matter is I am dying inside... not one moment goes by that I don't want to have our little boy back to be pregnant and to carry on with life as it should be. But we don't have that luxury I know that we have something to look forward to in the life after this one but that does not make it any easier to carry this burden now.

I think it is getting a little better but then I slip back into this reality I am not so much angry as I am hurt. Please understand that I use this blog to let out my hearts deepest thoughts and as a way to express what I feel not to be mean or harsh just to help me better understand and remember where I am where I have been and where I hopefully have come from.
My heart is so heavy... some days life seems to be ok and others it just hurts.
Until the next post thanks for reading and for caring
Much Love!

Rewind

Do you ever wish you could just rewind your life and make everything better? I am having one of those moments I wish I could rewind my life a few months back I would try and make the outcome a little different than it is now... I would try a little harder to hold Blaze in and I would never have let them Life Flight him to Primarys... I think there are a few things I would do differently but all I can do is wish since there is no real way to turn back time... if only I had the chance to rewind. And if only I could understand just a little here's to hope!

Two Months & Love

Today marks 2 months since we had Blaze. I can't believe how quickly (looking back) the time has gone. Each day we still miss him and pray that Heavenly Father will tell him we love him and are grateful he came to our family. Also each day seems to bring a new resolution to make it thru a little better than we did the day before to be a little kinder and have a little more faith that the man upstairs knows what he is doing. Ray has been so much better at the faith part than I have and I am grateful that marriage is created the way that it is when one is weak the other is strong. I am grateful for his strength to hold my up when I feel to weak to do it on my own I am grateful for his Faith in God and in his plan and I am grateful to have him as my eternal companion I could not make it without him!

So many emotions are still worn on my sleeve I am ok most of the time but I still get the tear filled eyes when asked how I am doing because I feel my heart break a little knowing they genuinly care and am grateful to be loved just the same if I burst into tears. I always told Ray I must have stood in the love line too many times in heaven but there can never be too much love and I am grateful that Blaze has brought more of that into our lives that I ever knew was possible. We Love you Blaze!

Last night my Bishop from my Singles ward years ago called me. Bishop Innes who is now President Innes. This man has done remakable things in my life and I will always be so grateful for the opportunity I have of knowing and loving him. He was the reason I went on my mission and the reason I stayed on my mission and my life has been blessed everyday for it. He had heard of our loss and wanted to send his condolences. He said a phrase that stuck he said " As hard as it is and has been I bet you have seen the Love of the Lord thru people in a way you never exspected" It is true I have and am amazed at the out pouring of love for our family thru Blazes birth and Death so I wanted so say a just few thank yous.

I want to do a little shout out to a few people who I am so grateful for knowing there are way too many to mention I may just start shout out highlights for the blessings in my life.

First shout out to my Aunt Tammy. She is an AMAZING woman who I have seen shine thru so much for us in the last few months. She gives with her whole heart! She never hesitates to serve those she loves and would give anything to make you feel loved. I wish I could show her my heart I love her more than she will ever know I am greatful for her wisdom and feel a closeness with her that I can't describe like we are sisters. I am grateful for her understanding as we face this trial in our lifes I don't know why but I feel like she understands the pain we are going thru and can empathize with me. I love you Aunt Tammy

Next Shout out is Rays Aunt Leslee what a remarkable woman! I don't know much about he life other that she has faced very hard things and is an amazing example of faith and endurance. I have been blessed to feel a closeness to her and am grateful that she asks how I am doing knowing that on the outside I am ok but the inside I am hurt. She always says "how are you doing really" She is genuine and I am greatful for her in my life! She is a tremendous woman of faith! Thank you Aunt Leslee for loving me for me and for caring so much about us! I love You!

Last shoutout but not the least is my Sister. She is my best friend and can tell me I'm crazy and I still love her just the same. She is the best Mom and Wife on the planet and even though she is younger than me I look up to her in so many ways. She has been such a great strength to me all of my adult life. She is faithful and full of love, she is Beautiful and strong. She is so many things I hope to be and the best sister and friend I could ever ask for. She understands and loves me for me which is the greatest blessing of all. I am grateful that I have her to help me make it thru when times get tough and when times are good! I love you Sis!

I am so grateful that God gives me the things I need thru the people that I love. Honestly this experiece would be unbearable without the love of family and friends. So a shout out to all who love and express their concern and pray for us and ALL you have done for our little family in these last 2 months we are so grateful. I hope to live each day so Blaze can say from the other side "thats my Mommy she's awesome!" That is what I live for now.. to make it to Blaze and to tell him Thank You and I love him in person. I hope to be a little better each day!

WE LOVE YOU!

Eternal Perspective

The last few weeks have been so hard for me. I have felt so abandon and alone in the eternal scheeme of things and found my self thinking that God doesn't even know me he has no idea how I am feeling and why would he care when there are BILLIONS of other who need his help. Needless to say it has made the loss of Blaze even harder when I haven't been asking for help from him. Yesterday was just one of many meltdowns and after a very long discussion with Ray and trying to understand a little of where to go from here he just listened and reminded me that God does love me and he hasn't forgotten me. Hard for me to believe sometimes.
What really did it for me though was a call from my Brother Jon. Jon has been thru more than his fare share of trails in this life he lost his wife at 21 and was left to raise 2 little boys until he remarried Kelli (shes wonderful) and has been a great comfort thru this. He called me yesterday saying he had been praying to know how to help me and the answer he recieved to prayer was to tell me that "God Loves me and he knows my heartache he feels the pain we are going thru and wants me to remember that I know what is right." I absolutly needed this I have been reminded by so many that I love but for some reason hearing it from someone who has endured thru so much really hit me. I think I needed to hear it from someone who has felt anger in the way that I am feeling but he did say he has no idea what it feels like to loose a child and he can't even begin to imagine the pain on the same hand I can't imagine what it would be like to loose Ray so I feel that we both have an understanding of loss for each other. I am grateful for answer to prayer thru others I am grateful for love and concern shown to Ray and I. I am most of all greatful to have Heavenly Father answer thru someone he knew I would be able to hear it from thru all of the hurt.
We went to the temple last night which is where I need to find myself more often until I can understand more of what I need to be doing. I am grateful that even when I am angry and hurt God still loves me. As we sat in the temple I said to Ray I am not so much angry as I am hurt... I am just hurt and feel wounded by the pain of loss and not understanding. Hurt is a much better word to descibe the way I feel. Ray gave me a blessing when we got home and it helped to. So today is the first good day in a few weeks but I will take it and be grateful to know that Blaze is near and he is ok.

Every Single Day

Ok so this is not going to be the most uplifting post but I need to vent out some of what I am feeling in a way that won't make others feel bad (mainly my hubby and sister I always feel like I unload all of lifes burdens on them and I am sure they need breaks from me).
I titled this post every single day because... every single day I wonder if we made the right decisions for Blaze. Every Single day I wonder what it would be like to still be pregnant, what would it be like to still be in the hospital, what would it be like to still have our little boy in the hospital, how big would he be now? Every single day I wonder what it would be like to hold our little boy in my arms and rock him to sleep or feed him or give him kisses. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!
This morning on the way to work I was thinking about our last day with Blaze and how my brothers took all day to get to Primarys so we could give Blaze a name and a blessing I was thinking about everyone being a little impatient with them being late but today I am grateful that they took their time so I had that much more time to spend with Blaze in this life. I constantly think about and hope we made the right decisions for him. I can't think about that day without tearing up and my heart wanting to burst it is a harsh reality that I wish was just a dream
I always loved the saying and picture of the Savior that says "I never said it would be easy I only said it would be worth it" but now I wonder what is worth it? Everyday I feel like I am living through some kind of HELL and torment with all the exspectant mothers who have no idea the miracle it really is to have a healthy baby. I have such a hard time... I don't dare say as to I don't want to offend but the purpose of this venting is to get it all out in the open. I have such a hard time being around moms with healthy children wishing they just had time to themselves again and soon to be moms who seem to have no complications at all other than morning sickness I would give ANYTHING to be that kind of sick to have Blaze back and to be pregnant anxiously awaiting his birth to bring him home healthy! So EVERY SINGLE DAY I will try to make it thru the HELL this life has become for me. Some days are good today is not one of those days but hopefully tomorrow will be!

Fathers Day and One Month

It has been one month since our little angel passed from this life... We miss him more than words can express... each day is so different for us some are good some bad and others are so hard. We are beginning to understand a whole new understanding of the Atonement. We went back to the temple for the first time since loosing Blaze and on the way there we read Elder Hollands talk from the last General Conference it is titled "None were with Him" I cried thru the entire thing... it is exactly how I have been feeling so alone and abandoned at times. Not many understand what my heart feels... I am just beginning to understand what it means that I don't get to bring my little boy home... I will never get to hold him in this life... We don't get to see him learn to talk, or walk, or go to kindergarden. It is hard to explain but the emptiness it so unfair at times. So many events have happened in our lives these last few weeks to remind us of the Love that God has for our little family. In the talk from Elder Holland he talks about how the atonement was completed when the Savior was crucified and in his last moments on the cross the Father withdrew from him so he felt completely alone.... as if the father had abandoned him... and he had no one. He talked about how the Savior had to go thru that experience for the Atonement to be complete. As we read the talk I am grateful for the better understanding that I have of the atonement. It covers so much more than sin... it covers the emptiness we feel for the loss of Blaze it covers the lonliness our hearts feel and longing for him to be with us. I am grateful for our Savior and the complete and infinate atonement I am just beginning to understand how much it has helped us thru this trial in our lives and I am grateful.
We miss Blaze every minute of every day he is the reason we carry on and the reason for all that I do. I am grateful that I was able to spend a week by his side and get to spend my entire life loving him and looking forward to seeing him again. I miss you peanut! I miss your face and your giant spirit! Thank You for being our Angel in this life!


Happee BeLated Fathers Day

I absolutly LOVE this picture! I know that Blaze was his Daddys little man and still is. The love expressed in this picture is just a glimpe of how wonderful my husband is! I love you honey for the man that you are and the man you want to be! Thank You for being so good to us! Happee Fathers day! Thank You to our Dads and Grandpas and Uncles and Brothers who are all great examples to us of how to be great Dads and who love us so much! We are so blessed to have you in our lives We LOVE YOU!

To Mourn With Those That Mourn

The Last few days my eyes have really been opened to the fact that we are not mourning alone. I feel like I have been so selfish and self centered thru this process of loosing Blaze that I have not considered too much of the hurt that others are feeling as well. Tomorrow will be three weeks since we held Blaze for the first and the last time on this earth. Words can't express the pain our hearts still feel for his loss. I find myself constantly reliving the week of his life and constantly reliving the day of his passing. I wonder if the hurt will ever go away and at the same time I am not ready for it to... I am so stubborn I know the Savior is there waiting for us to utilize his atonement but a part of me feels like if I ask him to take away the pain that I will forget and I am not ready to forget.

Anyway I am not the purpose for this post... the purpose of this post is to say Thank You for those of you who mourn with us. I know it seems a little strange that I would say Thank You for mourning but honestly to know how many lives have been effected by one little spirit is amazing to us. Blaze was only on this earth for one short week and the amount of people effected by his life has been amazing to watch. The first few weeks going thru this entire process I found we were asking "why us?? Why??" After loosing Blaze it was still Why but not Why Us anymore because we feel that no one should have to go thru this experience and pain. I still ask Heavenly Father why... why so many trials, what are you trying to mold me into?, what do I need to learn that I am not learning? But in the last few days thru emails and phone calls I have realized a little bit of the answer to why? Our family was meant for some reason to bless the lives of others... to see if we could be faithful and to see if when we are tried to the limit if we will still look to heaven for help. I hope that those of you who struggle with the Gospel or your testimony or just knowing that God is there we have felt and seen the power of heaven in our lives.
I know that Blaze was also sent for Ray and I to know that God lives and he is in charge he has a greater knowledge and knows the big picture. So many prayers, and blessings for Blaze to be ok and to pull thru to be healthy and to be strong.... The only way for the Lord to give us all of those was to let us have Blaze for just a little while.
We want all of you to know that we are blessed to have you in our lives Thank You for the emails, the phone calls, the prayers, cards and thoughts we are so blessed to have so many reaching out to let us know that you care. We appreciate all you have done and continue to do for us we feel your mourning with ours and know that Blaze is such a special little boy. I wish words could express better what is in my heart but we want you to know that We Love You!

I Thought I Loved You Then

Ray and I have been married for 2 wonderful years. Now don't get me wrong everyday has not been wonderful but it really has been wonderful! Just a little tribute to my WONDERFUL husband. There is a new Brad Paisley song called I thought I loved you then it describes our relationship perfectly so thanks to Brad for the tribute to us
Saint George going to Les Mes at Tuachan

Ray holding Blaze I love this picture!

Ray LOVES new drinks he is a drink Conosour :)

He loves to Hunt, Fish, Golf, Hike, Watch Movies, Drink Root Beer and Mountain Dew, Work Hard, Play Hard and so many other things he is the BEST HUSBAND AND DADDY that anyone could hope for and he is ALL MINE! THANK YOU HONEY for a wonderful 2 years! I LOVE YOU!

One Week

It has been one week since we buried our little boy Blaze. My heart aches as the reality that we won't be brining our little boy home and that I'm not pregnant anymore and that there will be no baby at the end of the summer for us. It is hard to express the range of emotions that I feel on a daily basis some days are easier than others. I started back at work yesterday so much harder than I imagined I am just not ready for life to move on yet I realize now that it is much too soon for me to be back so I have just been there a few hours each day as long as I feel like my heart can handle moving on.. I am grateful that my Boss has been so understanding and willing to work with me and grateful for Debbie who picks up the pieces when I just need me time.
One of the girls I went to High School with sent me this poem that has been a comfort to her in times of struggle. It really touched me and so we will share knowing that this is just how we imagine it was for Blaze. Thank you Alicia for sharing it with us

You are a Special Little Spirit

"You're a Special Little Spirit," the all great Master said,
As he gentlycaressed the curly blond hair of the Little Spirit's head
"You need to go toEarth to spend some time, you know,
A place I send most Spirits to be tested, to learn, and grow."
The Little Spirit, in sadness, slowly bowed his head,
And from his eye a tear did steal and down his cheek it shed.
"Don't you fret now little one, I won't let you stay too long,
I'll bring you back to help me here, You'll hardly know that you've been gone.
You're my choicest Little Spirit, you're the apple of my eye."
And he wiped the tear and gently kissed His Little Spirit good-bye.
"I'm back," the Little Spirit whispered, as he climbed onto his Master's knee,
And the Master said, "I told you, you would not be long away from me."
And then, the Lord, He noticed still another tear welled in his eye.
"Why are you so sad, Little Spirit, whatever should make you cry?"
"I'm glad I'm back," the Little Spirit said, "but Master you must surely know,
When Your Angel came to get me, I did not want to go.
I know You said You needed me, and that I'd be gone the shortest while,
But Lord, couldn't I have had a little longer earthly trial?"
The Master let the Little Spirit slip down from off His knee,
He firmly took the little hand and said, "Come walk with Me."
The Little Spirit and the Lord slowly walked hand in hand,
As the Master explained his special part in the great and marvelous plan.
"Now,Lord, I don't mean to argue, I understand that you needed me home.
But I left in such a hurry, I left everyone hurting and so alone.
I didn't let my earthly parents know how much I loved them so.
I was too small to tell them Lord, how will they ever know?
They feel they've been cheated, and in a way,so do I.
Not getting to share any more than we did, how can I ever tell them why?"
"Little Spirit, I know your heart is heavy with this message you need to share.
But you need not worry anymore, I'll watch over your loved ones there.
I'll send them loving comfort as a strong and helping hand.
I'll contend and give peace to their aching hearts, so they will understand."
The Little Spirit looked up at her Master and said "Thank You for explaining it to me.
And could you please tell them that I'm safe and happy, and that someday They'll be here with me?"
"Yes," said the Lord with a smile and a nod, I'll tell them all that I can.
Then the others came to see the Little Spirit, as the Lord let go of his hand.
He said, "I'll tell them that you're pure, as pure as Heaven's Gold,
That I needed the warmth of your perfect soul to keep Heaven from getting cold"
Author unknown

A Weekend in Idaho

This weekend Rays brother Tristan came home from serving a mission in Russia. A few weeks ago we didn't think we would be able to come but due to all the things that have transpired we were able to be here. To be honest I didn't know how I felt about coming I don't feel like being out I want to stay in and just greive but I know that it is important to surround ourselves with people who love us especially at this time.
Yesterday was one of the hardest since Blazes service on Tuesday. I felt like I just needed to cry but didn't feel like I could especially with a house full of boys and me being the only girl other than Rays Mom. I felt like at any moment I would just fall to pieces if anyone asked me how I was. I am sure it had to do with a lack of sleep also we went to bed at 1:30 on Sat Morning and woke up at 7 so part of it was from being tired but the other and bigger part is my heart and I think it is all beginning to sink in. So last night we had a BBQ with Rays entire family Aunts, Uncles, and cousins. I honestly told myself I had 2 options one to just tell anyone that asked me how I was doing... that I was ok and the other to burst into tears each time someone asked how I was doing... I chose to say I was ok for the most part there were tearful moments how could there not be we just lost our little boy and our hearts are broken but for the most part I was able to hold it together... Ray has such a good family they all expressed their Love and concern for us and their Love for Blaze. We truely do feel surrounded by wonderful people it is amazing to see how much we are loved.
Rays Aunt Tara is so sweet she came up to talk to me and gave me a hug from the back which started the crying... she was telling us Thank You for being so faithful and how our blog has touched their lives and changed their family. I only started blogging about our experience because I had no other way to vent my emotions without being even more taxing on Ray so that first night when I didn't know how I would make it thru I used our blog as a realease to express how I feel and now it has become a way for us to share our lives with others and hopefully in some way help others. I feel like our faith is not that strong but is being strengthend. I have to be honest in saying there have been many times that I have thought I can't do it I don't have the faith to make it thru this day... but gratefully Ray has been by my side in moments of extreeme doubt and hopefully I have been there in his. Aunt Tara talked about Pioneers who gave up so much and have to leave their babies on the planes... honestly I have always thought I was so glad that I didn't have to be a pioneer and go thru all they had to endure but thru this experience I have felt a little like a pioneer even though we live in a day when modern medicine is amazing it still can not do the work that Heavenly Father can do... I feel like I have been able to feel just a touch of the sorrow some pioneers must have felt. Thank You to all of our family and friends and those following our blog... thank you for the hugs and arms full of love always stretched out for us and for all of your love and support for thinking we are so faithful all I can say is we are trying as we are tried. Thank You for thinking of me as a woman of faith even though I feel like I am not very faithful thru my broken and angry heart I know that this is a trial of our faith and know that God loves and it watching over us.

Services for Blaze

Yesterday we layed our little boy to rest. We had his graveside service in Howell and layed him to rest next to my sister in law ManDee. We wanted him to be next to her for comfort knowing that she is watching over him in Heaven. The services were beautiful! It was a sunny and beautiful day. We dressed him on Monday night and sealed his little casket. The services were at 10 and we had so many people that we love there to support us. It was nice to be surrounded by family and friends and a few who really understand what we are going thru. There was a peace there that I have not felt since his passing I know that he is with our Savior I felt their presences near. I know that he has many on the other side who are taking care of him until we can be there with him.

My heart is very tender today and I can't say much perhaps later I will be able to post more but until then here are some pictures that a wonderful woman Katherine took of our little boy and our family in his last moments on this earth. Thank You Katherine for coming and capturing such precious moments in our lives.

also if you go to my sisters blog there are more pictures of his services yesterday and we will be posting more as the days go by.

A Broken Heart

Blazes services will be in Howell tomorrow Tuesday May 26th at 10:00 AM we are just doing a graveside service and want close family and friends there with us. Tonight we have to go dress him in his white tux (Thank You Aunt Susan for sewing one on such short notice) we will then seal the casket and bury him tomorrow.
To be honest my heart is broken into a million peices the only way to describe how it feels is literally broken. I thought I knew what heartache was but I had no idea. It all seems so unreal to me... we went camping with my wonderful family this weekend thinking it might be a good thing to get away... in a way it was nice in another I just wanted to be a lone... I do want to be alone I want to sleep until my heart stops hurting. I don't know if it ever will stop hurting! My sister has been such a great comfort in all of this she is by my side each time I need her and just talks me thru the moment... my brother Jon also lost his wife 9 years ago and I have talked to him I feel so angry and hurt I asked him if it is normal to feel so angry all the time and ask why me?? And he said there is a whole range of emotions that I will go thru and it is true one minute I am ok the next I want to cry my eyes out... I think the hardest part is not understanding why this is happening... why so many have healthy babies and so many suffer from the loss of a child. I wonder what we are being prepared for... I wonder if my faith is strong enough to make it thru this experience... I wonder when the Savior will come again so we can be with our little Blaze... I honestly can't wait for him to be here so this heartache can end and our family can be whole.
I have a huge range of emotions running thru me and it probably is not best for me to be blogging right now.
We just want to say THANK YOU to everyone for all of your comments your prayers and your concern for us. There is no way we can thank each of you individually for all you have done for us so we want to say Thank You for thinking of us and for praying for us and for praying for our little Blaze. We Love and Appreciate all of you!

Heaven

Today has been the hardest day of our lives. Our hearts are too heavy to say much but for those of you who have been praying for us and following our blog this is the best way to let everyone know.
When we left Blaze last night he was not doing good... his night was a very hard one! He has been having seizures for a few days but last night and this morning they were continuous. I called the nurse to check on him and she said he was not stable and they could not get him to stop seizing despite all the medication they had given him to control seizures it did not help. So we rushed to the hospital both knowing that today would be full of very hard decisions but knowing what the Lord needed us to do. So much confusion in our heads but so much peace and knowing in our hearts. We rushed to his bedside they were taking an Angeogram of his heart and he was still seizing. The Dr asked to speak with us and pulled us into a private room with a social worker Shawnie our nurse Pat (so ditsy) and a Nurse Practitioner Garry. Because Blaze had been seizing so much doing the heart surgery or PDA was not a very good option also he was depending so much on the respirator they told us the surgery would do little good if they were to be able to do it. They talked us thru what Blaze was experiencing with his seizures and not being able to control them. He not only is a stage 4 on his Brain but he has been hemoraging so bad the seizures were a result of it. We knew we had to make a decision to help Blaze the best way that we could. The Doctors do have to be gloom and doom but we also knew Blaze was in so much pain and has been for a week. So our families came and spent the day with us just to be with us for whatever we needed. Then tonight Ray gave him a name and a blessing and released his little body from this life. After that it was just a short amount of time when his breathing got very difficult even on his ventalator he was having a hard time. Because of his blessing we feel that he went peacefully. He died in our arms at about 7PM tonight.
There are a MILLION emotions attached that are just to fresh to share our hearts are broken and hurt both physically and emotionally! We hope that as parents we did the right thing we have prayed and fasted and begged to know what we needed to do. There was so much peace in our room when he passed thru the veil. I never expspected to feel peace when it was so hard to watch him go. He is the Love of our lives! Our lives have been so blessed to have him in our little family and to know a whole new definition of love. Blaze is the biggest and best thing that has ever happened to us. Words can't express the sadness that we feel to not have him physically with us but we are so grateful that we had him for as long as we did. I will never forget his perfect little face and hands and feet. What we are experiencing we would never wish on anyone part of me wants to be so angry and scream why us WHY?? The other part and hopefully stronger than the other struggles to understand and is grateful that Blaze just needed a body and was too much for this world to handle...
that is all I can say for tonight our hearts are heavy and we miss our little boy. We Love You BLAZE thank you for coming to our family!

Life Flight

Yesterday was a pretty good day for Blaze he was moving a lot more and things seemed to be going ok. We absolutly love his nurses and the staff at IMC is AMAZING! We were able to sit in on what is called rounds when all the nurses and doctors meet together and discuss each baby in the unit and what their plans are for the day it was crazy to hear all the numbers but great to hear that so many people are working on helping our little man. He has a PDA which is a valve in his heart that has a hole in it. All little babies have it but they close off before delivery but where Blaze is so little his is not closed off but it is pumping blood into his lungs. So they can close it off with medication but he is so fragile the Dr does not think it will work and Surgery will be the only way to go.
So this morning we went to see him and he seemed to be doing pretty good but the Nurse Practitioner and Dr wanted to meet with us so we knew it might not be a good thing. We had to leave Ray had school and told them we would be back in the afternoon. About 2:30 we got a call from the Nurse saying they needed to meet with us. I told her we were on our way and she asked if I knew Blaze had been having seizures... I broke down we had no idea! I was ticked that she told me over the phone but she didn't know that we had not been informed. So we quickly drove to the hospital the Doc and Nurse P met us there they let us know that Blaze had been having seizures quite frequently and that his PDA was needing attention as soon as he could have surgery they said it would be best. So they asked our permission to have him transfered to Primary Childrens. We gave our consent and 45 minutes later he was being Life Flighted. It was all a whirlwind to be honest as soon as Life Flight got there I was crying (always) I just don't know how much more trauma we can handle our poor little boy! One of the LF nurses was aweful I wanted to punch her in the face! Anyway to make a long story short Blaze is now at Primary Childrens no longer at IMC and we miss it terribly! Ray wanted to go with him in the helecopter but they don't allow it... I wish he would have seeing the helecopter take off was one of the hardest things knowing that our little boy was in there and we weren't I also HATE flying and Life Flight has always been one of my biggest fears so when they took our little boy I was so scared for him!
He made it and we went to see him ASAP we are not impressed with the circumstances of his room he shares it with 6 other babies which makes it hard to be personal with him and just to be with him in general but that does not really matter. He had such a hard time stabelizing it took him hours and when we left tonight at 9 he still was not doing very good but better than when he first got there. They had his ventalator on 100% but tonight it was down to 50% it is really hard on his lungs so we hope they can get him off of it fast. We met with the Dr he was awesome so good to answer all of our ?s and concerns.... he was the bearer of news we don't really want to hear just that we need to be aware of. Blaze has severe bleeding on his brain... it is not getting better but he has only been with us for a week and his little body is working on so many other things it has not been able to focus on that. He talked to us about quality of life and they are never there to tell us what that is but as a couple we need to decide what that is. It is so hard for us we Love Blaze more than anything in this world and want him to have a good life so we have to decide what we feel is best for him... we have been crying for hours our hearts are so full and we want to do what is right for him. He is such a miracle in our lives! In just one week he has changed our lives forever. We are so tired and so emotionally drained it is time to call it a day. We are grateful for the many prayers and calls and blessings we have recieved in the past 2 weeks we feel so loved.
The hardest thing is wanting to hold him. Ray and I were talking tonight about how if we could just hold him and tell him how much we love him and it will be ok... then the thought occured to me that is how Heavenly Father must feel... if he could just hold us and tell us he loves us and it will be ok.... this is the hardest thing we have ever had to endure and hope to have the faith and courage to make it thru!