The last few weeks have been so hard for me. I have felt so abandon and alone in the eternal scheeme of things and found my self thinking that God doesn't even know me he has no idea how I am feeling and why would he care when there are BILLIONS of other who need his help. Needless to say it has made the loss of Blaze even harder when I haven't been asking for help from him. Yesterday was just one of many meltdowns and after a very long discussion with Ray and trying to understand a little of where to go from here he just listened and reminded me that God does love me and he hasn't forgotten me. Hard for me to believe sometimes.
What really did it for me though was a call from my Brother Jon. Jon has been thru more than his fare share of trails in this life he lost his wife at 21 and was left to raise 2 little boys until he remarried Kelli (shes wonderful) and has been a great comfort thru this. He called me yesterday saying he had been praying to know how to help me and the answer he recieved to prayer was to tell me that "God Loves me and he knows my heartache he feels the pain we are going thru and wants me to remember that I know what is right." I absolutly needed this I have been reminded by so many that I love but for some reason hearing it from someone who has endured thru so much really hit me. I think I needed to hear it from someone who has felt anger in the way that I am feeling but he did say he has no idea what it feels like to loose a child and he can't even begin to imagine the pain on the same hand I can't imagine what it would be like to loose Ray so I feel that we both have an understanding of loss for each other. I am grateful for answer to prayer thru others I am grateful for love and concern shown to Ray and I. I am most of all greatful to have Heavenly Father answer thru someone he knew I would be able to hear it from thru all of the hurt.
We went to the temple last night which is where I need to find myself more often until I can understand more of what I need to be doing. I am grateful that even when I am angry and hurt God still loves me. As we sat in the temple I said to Ray I am not so much angry as I am hurt... I am just hurt and feel wounded by the pain of loss and not understanding. Hurt is a much better word to descibe the way I feel. Ray gave me a blessing when we got home and it helped to. So today is the first good day in a few weeks but I will take it and be grateful to know that Blaze is near and he is ok.
4 comments:
our Father is amazing like that. i'm glad you have a brother who cares for his sis!
love you.
what a blessing your brother is to you!! if that isn't a sign that our Heavenly Father cares for and knows each one of us individually, i don't know what is. it's easy to forget that in times of trial though. i'm sorry you have to endure so much, but God knows your strength, and wouldn't test you in this way if you couldn't endure it!! i love you janet, hang in there, it can only get better!
Janet & Ray:
How grateful I am for the priesthood here on earth. That worthy men actually have the authority to act for God. What a blessing! Loss happens in so many ways and I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has patience for us to find the opening through that loss. I am grateful for Jon and his obedience to the promptings of the spirit. I love you both and am comforted that you have each other. Tons of luv - Mom Mac
Hi Janet,
We were at the temple yesterday and had the opportunity to do sealings. As we were sitting there, I was thinking of the families being reunited, and I couldn't help but think of your sweet family, and the day that you are reunited once again . I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling and continue to feel every day. I put your names on the prayer roll,hoping that maybe it would help you to feel some sort of comfort. Thake care.
Kara
Post a Comment