Every Single Day

Ok so this is not going to be the most uplifting post but I need to vent out some of what I am feeling in a way that won't make others feel bad (mainly my hubby and sister I always feel like I unload all of lifes burdens on them and I am sure they need breaks from me).
I titled this post every single day because... every single day I wonder if we made the right decisions for Blaze. Every Single day I wonder what it would be like to still be pregnant, what would it be like to still be in the hospital, what would it be like to still have our little boy in the hospital, how big would he be now? Every single day I wonder what it would be like to hold our little boy in my arms and rock him to sleep or feed him or give him kisses. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!
This morning on the way to work I was thinking about our last day with Blaze and how my brothers took all day to get to Primarys so we could give Blaze a name and a blessing I was thinking about everyone being a little impatient with them being late but today I am grateful that they took their time so I had that much more time to spend with Blaze in this life. I constantly think about and hope we made the right decisions for him. I can't think about that day without tearing up and my heart wanting to burst it is a harsh reality that I wish was just a dream
I always loved the saying and picture of the Savior that says "I never said it would be easy I only said it would be worth it" but now I wonder what is worth it? Everyday I feel like I am living through some kind of HELL and torment with all the exspectant mothers who have no idea the miracle it really is to have a healthy baby. I have such a hard time... I don't dare say as to I don't want to offend but the purpose of this venting is to get it all out in the open. I have such a hard time being around moms with healthy children wishing they just had time to themselves again and soon to be moms who seem to have no complications at all other than morning sickness I would give ANYTHING to be that kind of sick to have Blaze back and to be pregnant anxiously awaiting his birth to bring him home healthy! So EVERY SINGLE DAY I will try to make it thru the HELL this life has become for me. Some days are good today is not one of those days but hopefully tomorrow will be!

Fathers Day and One Month

It has been one month since our little angel passed from this life... We miss him more than words can express... each day is so different for us some are good some bad and others are so hard. We are beginning to understand a whole new understanding of the Atonement. We went back to the temple for the first time since loosing Blaze and on the way there we read Elder Hollands talk from the last General Conference it is titled "None were with Him" I cried thru the entire thing... it is exactly how I have been feeling so alone and abandoned at times. Not many understand what my heart feels... I am just beginning to understand what it means that I don't get to bring my little boy home... I will never get to hold him in this life... We don't get to see him learn to talk, or walk, or go to kindergarden. It is hard to explain but the emptiness it so unfair at times. So many events have happened in our lives these last few weeks to remind us of the Love that God has for our little family. In the talk from Elder Holland he talks about how the atonement was completed when the Savior was crucified and in his last moments on the cross the Father withdrew from him so he felt completely alone.... as if the father had abandoned him... and he had no one. He talked about how the Savior had to go thru that experience for the Atonement to be complete. As we read the talk I am grateful for the better understanding that I have of the atonement. It covers so much more than sin... it covers the emptiness we feel for the loss of Blaze it covers the lonliness our hearts feel and longing for him to be with us. I am grateful for our Savior and the complete and infinate atonement I am just beginning to understand how much it has helped us thru this trial in our lives and I am grateful.
We miss Blaze every minute of every day he is the reason we carry on and the reason for all that I do. I am grateful that I was able to spend a week by his side and get to spend my entire life loving him and looking forward to seeing him again. I miss you peanut! I miss your face and your giant spirit! Thank You for being our Angel in this life!


Happee BeLated Fathers Day

I absolutly LOVE this picture! I know that Blaze was his Daddys little man and still is. The love expressed in this picture is just a glimpe of how wonderful my husband is! I love you honey for the man that you are and the man you want to be! Thank You for being so good to us! Happee Fathers day! Thank You to our Dads and Grandpas and Uncles and Brothers who are all great examples to us of how to be great Dads and who love us so much! We are so blessed to have you in our lives We LOVE YOU!

To Mourn With Those That Mourn

The Last few days my eyes have really been opened to the fact that we are not mourning alone. I feel like I have been so selfish and self centered thru this process of loosing Blaze that I have not considered too much of the hurt that others are feeling as well. Tomorrow will be three weeks since we held Blaze for the first and the last time on this earth. Words can't express the pain our hearts still feel for his loss. I find myself constantly reliving the week of his life and constantly reliving the day of his passing. I wonder if the hurt will ever go away and at the same time I am not ready for it to... I am so stubborn I know the Savior is there waiting for us to utilize his atonement but a part of me feels like if I ask him to take away the pain that I will forget and I am not ready to forget.

Anyway I am not the purpose for this post... the purpose of this post is to say Thank You for those of you who mourn with us. I know it seems a little strange that I would say Thank You for mourning but honestly to know how many lives have been effected by one little spirit is amazing to us. Blaze was only on this earth for one short week and the amount of people effected by his life has been amazing to watch. The first few weeks going thru this entire process I found we were asking "why us?? Why??" After loosing Blaze it was still Why but not Why Us anymore because we feel that no one should have to go thru this experience and pain. I still ask Heavenly Father why... why so many trials, what are you trying to mold me into?, what do I need to learn that I am not learning? But in the last few days thru emails and phone calls I have realized a little bit of the answer to why? Our family was meant for some reason to bless the lives of others... to see if we could be faithful and to see if when we are tried to the limit if we will still look to heaven for help. I hope that those of you who struggle with the Gospel or your testimony or just knowing that God is there we have felt and seen the power of heaven in our lives.
I know that Blaze was also sent for Ray and I to know that God lives and he is in charge he has a greater knowledge and knows the big picture. So many prayers, and blessings for Blaze to be ok and to pull thru to be healthy and to be strong.... The only way for the Lord to give us all of those was to let us have Blaze for just a little while.
We want all of you to know that we are blessed to have you in our lives Thank You for the emails, the phone calls, the prayers, cards and thoughts we are so blessed to have so many reaching out to let us know that you care. We appreciate all you have done and continue to do for us we feel your mourning with ours and know that Blaze is such a special little boy. I wish words could express better what is in my heart but we want you to know that We Love You!

I Thought I Loved You Then

Ray and I have been married for 2 wonderful years. Now don't get me wrong everyday has not been wonderful but it really has been wonderful! Just a little tribute to my WONDERFUL husband. There is a new Brad Paisley song called I thought I loved you then it describes our relationship perfectly so thanks to Brad for the tribute to us
Saint George going to Les Mes at Tuachan

Ray holding Blaze I love this picture!

Ray LOVES new drinks he is a drink Conosour :)

He loves to Hunt, Fish, Golf, Hike, Watch Movies, Drink Root Beer and Mountain Dew, Work Hard, Play Hard and so many other things he is the BEST HUSBAND AND DADDY that anyone could hope for and he is ALL MINE! THANK YOU HONEY for a wonderful 2 years! I LOVE YOU!

One Week

It has been one week since we buried our little boy Blaze. My heart aches as the reality that we won't be brining our little boy home and that I'm not pregnant anymore and that there will be no baby at the end of the summer for us. It is hard to express the range of emotions that I feel on a daily basis some days are easier than others. I started back at work yesterday so much harder than I imagined I am just not ready for life to move on yet I realize now that it is much too soon for me to be back so I have just been there a few hours each day as long as I feel like my heart can handle moving on.. I am grateful that my Boss has been so understanding and willing to work with me and grateful for Debbie who picks up the pieces when I just need me time.
One of the girls I went to High School with sent me this poem that has been a comfort to her in times of struggle. It really touched me and so we will share knowing that this is just how we imagine it was for Blaze. Thank you Alicia for sharing it with us

You are a Special Little Spirit

"You're a Special Little Spirit," the all great Master said,
As he gentlycaressed the curly blond hair of the Little Spirit's head
"You need to go toEarth to spend some time, you know,
A place I send most Spirits to be tested, to learn, and grow."
The Little Spirit, in sadness, slowly bowed his head,
And from his eye a tear did steal and down his cheek it shed.
"Don't you fret now little one, I won't let you stay too long,
I'll bring you back to help me here, You'll hardly know that you've been gone.
You're my choicest Little Spirit, you're the apple of my eye."
And he wiped the tear and gently kissed His Little Spirit good-bye.
"I'm back," the Little Spirit whispered, as he climbed onto his Master's knee,
And the Master said, "I told you, you would not be long away from me."
And then, the Lord, He noticed still another tear welled in his eye.
"Why are you so sad, Little Spirit, whatever should make you cry?"
"I'm glad I'm back," the Little Spirit said, "but Master you must surely know,
When Your Angel came to get me, I did not want to go.
I know You said You needed me, and that I'd be gone the shortest while,
But Lord, couldn't I have had a little longer earthly trial?"
The Master let the Little Spirit slip down from off His knee,
He firmly took the little hand and said, "Come walk with Me."
The Little Spirit and the Lord slowly walked hand in hand,
As the Master explained his special part in the great and marvelous plan.
"Now,Lord, I don't mean to argue, I understand that you needed me home.
But I left in such a hurry, I left everyone hurting and so alone.
I didn't let my earthly parents know how much I loved them so.
I was too small to tell them Lord, how will they ever know?
They feel they've been cheated, and in a way,so do I.
Not getting to share any more than we did, how can I ever tell them why?"
"Little Spirit, I know your heart is heavy with this message you need to share.
But you need not worry anymore, I'll watch over your loved ones there.
I'll send them loving comfort as a strong and helping hand.
I'll contend and give peace to their aching hearts, so they will understand."
The Little Spirit looked up at her Master and said "Thank You for explaining it to me.
And could you please tell them that I'm safe and happy, and that someday They'll be here with me?"
"Yes," said the Lord with a smile and a nod, I'll tell them all that I can.
Then the others came to see the Little Spirit, as the Lord let go of his hand.
He said, "I'll tell them that you're pure, as pure as Heaven's Gold,
That I needed the warmth of your perfect soul to keep Heaven from getting cold"
Author unknown