One Year Ago

Last night Ray and I went for a run (my first time in 3 weeks grrr). My body seemed to fight me the entire way, I was hot and every step took a lot of effort. We just went 2 miles and my goal was to run it in 22 minutes (I'm not very fast I know) We always end on a hill because of where our house is and it makes it that much harder to push thru to the end. Well I knew my time was close so I tried sprinting to the end up the hill... just about 100 meters from the end I couldn't go anymore... I started walking then had one more burst of sprinting till the end. I sat on the curb for a few minutes trying to make sure my heart wasn't going to burst. I finished in 22 min and 17 sec We walked up hill to our house and I threw myself on the couch... I just sat there so upset that it was so hot and so hard and I missed my goal by 17 seconds!
As I sat there I found myself reflecting on the past year... May had been a very reflective month... I thought of a year ago yesterday our little boy was life flighted and I knew the out come from the minute they moved him to take him to Primarys... I knew that the next 24 hours would be the hardest we would ever face.. and it turned out to be just what I had felt. Ray came in and I burst into tears... I told him I have so much harbored anger... I get so frustrated when everything seems to be so hard. My sweet friend Kayla was having a hard week and she said "do you ever just cry at the injustice of this world" I told Ray that was part of my frustration some people seem to struggle their whole lives no matter what they do they seem to just scrape by and others seem to just fall into luck... So all of my tears last night were for the things that I feel are unjust.
Today marks one year since we let out sweet little Blaze return to heaven. Thinking about that day is surreal... I remember every detail, every phone call to family, every nurse and doctor, almost every breath our little boy took in his final moments. I remember being in a tiny room surrounded by people we love all squished together in love and support for our little family. I remember watching my sweet husband hold Blaze to give him a blessing and I remember all the tears shed for a loss so great. I remember leaving the hospital and having to call the mortuary knowing we would never again in this life see our little boy alive. And I remember driving home just staring out the window... passing hundreds of people thinking... no one has any idea what we have just been thru the world just keeps going when ours has stopped.
So today... one year later we still hurt, we still cry, and we still mourn. And today I am grateful for my Savior I have more love for him than I did a year ago, I have more hope than I did a year ago and I hope I have more faith than I did a year ago. I have a stronger testimony of the atonement than I did a year ago. This year has been hard there is no doubt and on the flip side this year has allowed us to see the hand of God thru others in our lives.
We stand amazed as a family at the out pouring of love we have felt from those who are close to us and those we have never met. Thank You for loving our family! Thank You for your countless prayers in our behalf. Thank you for your service to us and to those around you. And Thank You for being the hands of heaven in our lives. We are blessed beyond measure even through trials we know God loves us. WE LOVE YOU!

And to our Angel Blaze we miss you everyday Thank You for coming to our family. Thank You for bringing so much to the world in such a short time. We can't wait to see you again WE LOVE YOU!

Blazes Birthday

First of all THANK YOU to everyone for your thoughts, your prayers, and the countless kind acts for our little family this last week and year especially. We found ourselves surrounded by people we love and showered with gifts and kind words of inspiration to let us know you care. We are so blessed and really have seen the impact one little boy can have on the lives of so many. Thank You We LOVE YOU!

Blazes birthday was full of emotion as anticipated. We both had the day off which was super nice we got up and went to the temple. We did sealings and were only in the room for a few minutes before the tears began to flow. By divine design I am sure we were able to help families be sealed together... I was instantly reminded of how blessed we were to be sealed before Blaze was born. He is ours forever and I am grateful for the tender teachings of the Lord that reminded me of the eternal bond we have. We sat in the temple for quite a while reflecting on the blessings and trials of the last year. There is no mistake the peace of the temple was a wonderful way to celebrate Blazes birthday. We felt him near and were able to experience some very sacred moments together. We are grateful and our hearts were very full.
We went to Howell to decorate his grave and boy oh boy is that little one loved. He had flowers, some toys from Silas and Logan


some Balloons from Aunt Ashleigh and colored rocks from Kenna and Tasian to hold them down. He got lots of Balloons :) and LOTS of flowers.. we had to leave some home :) Thank You everyone!
We tearfully sang Happy Birthday and expressed our love for our little angel.

Tyrel and Elena gave Blaze a card so Ray read it to him while we were there in attached was this poem. (Thank You Aunt Elena and Uncle Tyrel! Blaze Loves You!)

What's a Birthday Like in Heaven?
I wonder what it's like to have a birthday in heaven?
I'll bet the decorations are wonderful
Perhaps every lost balloon that causes little tears on earth
floats straight up above to help celebrate a birth
I'll bet there's no need for RSVP's
No disappointments when distance keeps one from coming.
After all a birthday boy in heaven gets the best of both worlds
Embraces from a loving Aunt, Great Grandma and Great Great Grandpa
Who instead of party hats, wear matching halos
The birthday boy can jump for joy as he plays party games with siblings and cousins
He can then enjoy the sweetest sound he's ever heard
A birthday song from Dad and Mom
Who truly are angels on Earth!
We'll I don't know for sure what a birthdays like in Heaven
but of this I know, it'd be too hard to show, how many lives
Have been blessed by his birth!

We Love You Blaze! Happee Birthday Baby!

Mothers Day Emotions

We are one week into May and trying to make a difference in some ways I hope I am making a difference and other ways are more noticeable. One thing that sticks out this past week for me was I went to the grocery store... and the checker gave me the incorrect change it was only by a nickel... but she was in such a hurry that she just handed me the change and moved right on. I noticed right away so I kindly said "You gave me too much change" the woman in line behind me said "Thats nice of you" I didn't really think about it but I hope that I made a difference in some small way. This is not really what I had in mind but I think every thought counts.
Thank You everyone who has joined in to help us we are so blessed to have you in our lives! Thank You for your love and support for our little family!

Today is Mothers Day... It has been emotionally much harder than I thought it might be. One Year ago today I went into premature labor... We spent last Mothers Day in the hospital being visited by people we love and waiting for Monday so my doctor would tell us everything was okay and release us to go home... that obviously never happened. I have had a hard day knowing we celebrate motherhood but my little child is not here. Do not get me wrong I am grateful to be a woman and rejoice in womanhood. I just struggle feeling I was born to be a mother and despite our many efforts our little boy is not physically with us and our efforts to expand our family are out of our control.

I don't look forward to the emotions of this week. My heart is very heavy as I long to celebrate Blazes first birthday with him here... I struggle with the thoughts that I do not get to see him make a mess of his cake in his highchair, to see him rip open presents and love the paper more than the gifts, and to take pictures of our ever changing little boy. Instead we will go to his grave and sing happee birthday into the wind hoping it will carry it to where he may be. There will be many tears and heartache as we continue on this journey we call life without one of our own. I find comfort in knowing our Savior holds him near but I can't stop the ache my heart feels wishing he were here. So bring on the week... and heaven help me see the needs in others as a way to bring heaven near.

As always WE LOVE YOU! Thank You for your love and prayers in behalf of our little family.

Make a difference May

I can't believe it's May already! May comes with many mixed emotions for us, it has nearly been a year since we had Blaze and on the 14th we will celebrate his 1st birthday. Honestly I can't believe I have made it a year... I never thought I would make it thru the first year... In so many ways it has flown and in many others it has been the hardest year of my life. As I've thought about what I could to in May to be a little better I thought I would make May our Make a Difference in May month. I want to be better because of Blaze, because I am a Mom, and because I have a little angel counting on me to make it back to be with him.

I don't quite have it all figured out yet... but I want to post this month on someone who has made a difference in my life and I want to in turn make a difference in the lives of others.

As we celebrate Blazes birthday we would love for you to join us in making a difference in the lives of those around us. Those we know and Love and those we don't know but simply meet in passing. We want to honor Blaze on his birthday by serving someone in need we would love for you to join us and share your experiences with us of how serving someone made a difference in your life or in those you reach out to.

So today I am a different person because of Blaze. Because of him I have learned things about myself I didn't know. I have been pushed to what I feel are my absolute limits. I Love this little boy more than anything. I long for the day I can hold him again and I miss him more than words can express. He has made me a different person!


Because of this little angel, I have cried and learned that it's okay to cry and grieve, I have Loved more deeply than I ever imagined, I have learned to be more grateful for the people in our lives, and I have come to have more HOPE in my Savior who I know holds my little angel until we can be with him again. I LOVE YOU BABY!