I know that it seems I only post when things are hard but it is my way of getting it out and hopefully helping us heal. We have had quite a few good days we went to the Kenny Chesney concert last Thursday it was AMAZING we were down by the stage and it was AWESOME I have the BEST husband in the world! We had a good weekend we swam a lot and played a lot our Blazer broke down hauling a wave runner up Parleys canyon. So we had it towed and the mechanic won't be in till tomorrow to look at it so it didn't seem like a big deal we have another car... well last night we went for a drive up the canyon and our car started overheating and today I barely made it home it was overheating so bad... to make a long story short both of our cars need some work... we have both had a very hard day the saying "when it rains it pours" seems to be true at the moment for us. I will post pics of our recent doings soon but tonight I need to vent a little...
I have had a hard day! As I read back thru our experience in the hospital I remember having very hard days wondering if I could make it long enough to give Blaze a fighting chance... I wondered if emotionally I could take it anymore... and I said those were among some of the hardest days of my life... and they were and we are still living some really hard days.
I have felt that a lot of people are uncomfortable around me... for good reason I used to be uncomfortable around those who had suffered such a loss. And not knowing what to say I thought it was better not to say anything at all. Now being on the other side it is just as uncomfortable if not more so. I know you don't know what to say but neither do I... I know that nothing you can say will make the pain any less or the healing any easier. I know that it is uncomfortable for you because you have never been where we are and if you have been you know the heartache that comes with such a loss. But it is uncomfortable for me too... It is hard for me to see your new baby or the one your about to have... it is hard for me to see your life and not be jealous that everything is going ok for you. It is not just uncomfortable for you but it is for me too. I am sorry if I make it hard to be approachable I don't mean to. The truth of the matter is I am dying inside... not one moment goes by that I don't want to have our little boy back to be pregnant and to carry on with life as it should be. But we don't have that luxury I know that we have something to look forward to in the life after this one but that does not make it any easier to carry this burden now.
I think it is getting a little better but then I slip back into this reality I am not so much angry as I am hurt. Please understand that I use this blog to let out my hearts deepest thoughts and as a way to express what I feel not to be mean or harsh just to help me better understand and remember where I am where I have been and where I hopefully have come from.
My heart is so heavy... some days life seems to be ok and others it just hurts.
Until the next post thanks for reading and for caring
Much Love!
7 comments:
Hey sweetie: Life is not always great actually sometimes life sucks. Feel the anger and work through that. Remember that Satan kicks us when we are down. If you have ever seen one of those "nasty" movies where a fight is going on. The first punch stuns them, the second breaks a nose or at least makes it bloody, the third punch is is the stomach that makes the double over and the fourth gets them on their knees. They think that is the lowest they can go. The pain is so sever they don't think they will live. Then they see the one that hurt them going out the door. Anger comes even though at that moment they cannot do anything about it except suck it up and hurt like heck. And then while they are at their lowest someone on the way out gives them a really good kick in the ribs. The guy on the floor thought it couldn't get any worse but he was wrong. It did and he thought he would never get up again. Now I know that the character can just get up and walk away, but there are lots of people like this. It is hard to get up. It takes time. You know what is going to happen on the other side and that will give you comfort BUT you are not on the other side. You are not to be there right now. SOOOOO what happens now. You will have to struggle through all the paid, hur, the anger about those stupid cars (why do we need them anyway - carts and horses worked). As I said to start off - Satan kicks up when we are down, he knows us as well as Jesus Christ does and he knows our soft spots and our weaknesses. It WILL take awhile to feel human again. BUT you are going to be the one to speak first, to help them feel the joy and speak of Blaze at those times. You can cry at the same time. Blaze doesn't become less but the new little ones may have challenges to face that little Blaze will never have to.
Sweetie, I don't know if this make sense but I hope you kow the thought of my heart. I love you so very much and I know you will be whole. It will just take time.
Please have an okay day and one of the first turtle step toward healing. Be HAPPEE!!!!
Much luv,
Mom Mac
Janet, I am sorry. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I know that the battle that you are facing seems unbearable right now, but you are strong, and you will get through it. I've always liked the saying "Always remember that everyone is fighting some sort of battle." When I get feeling down, like when my sister died, I burried myself into a hole and I wouldn't let anyone in, and I didn't want to come out. I felt like I just wanted it to all go away. Life was too hard and I didn't want to face reality. I started thinking about it though, how so many people were going through horrible things at that time too and it made me realize that I was not the only one who was hurting. Everyone is fighting their own battle. So many people are wathing their loved ones die slowly from terrible diseases, and they can't do anything about it. Luckily, Tina went quickly and didn't have to suffer. Women are being abused, children are being abused, people are starving becuse they can't afford to buy food, children are dying becuse they can't afford the medicine that they need, so many parents are suffering because they have to watch their children make wrong choices that detroy their lives.. The list goes on and on. There is so much heartache in this world. Right now, I know that the only thing that matters is your pain, and your loss. You need this time to greive. It's a long process, but I hope that in the future, maybe you will be able to remember, in those moments when you start feeling uncomfortable, or even angry at someone because they seem to have it so good, that you will remember that they too, are fighting some sort of battle. And if they're not, they will be.. It's a part of life that can seem so unfair at times. I know that what you have gone through has been unbearable. Just remember that Blaze wants you to be happy. He wants you to have a good life and he will help you along the way. I wish there were something I could do to help you through this. Just remember that my thoughts are with you.
I love you Janet. You're amazingly strong, resilient and I don't feel uncomfortable around you at all...I just want you to know I think about you all the time and pray for you to get through this heavy time. Just keep feeling what your feeling and remember that by feeling comes healing. Things can only get better. Love you!
I am one of those people. I talk more around you than others that are hurting. It really helps when you are honest on the blog- it helps me too- not just for you to vent- but for all of us to see your heart. But, we have another mother who lost her son- who is Katie's age- this past year. Every Sunday that Jenny is there, I want to bawl. Katie hands me a picture she colored in primary- and the first thing I think of is "Jenny won't get a picture from Jaxon today". Jaxon was going to be baptized this week- he couldn't wait for this... I am speechless. I don't even know what to say. I hurt. For her- I still have my Katie. For you, at least she had 7 years with him... and me, I'm a mom with 5 children... who am I to mourn? I think one of the things that always comes to mind- what if I talk about Jaxon when she doesn't want to- and it hurts her a little more. I can give a hug, I can smile, I can hold the bathroom door closed while she cries... but, I don't have words. I hurt. I don't have words. I don't even understand her hurt or yours. I don't understand- I just know that I cry. I don't have words- I just cry in my own quiet moments and mourn from a distance that neither of you see. It's not fair- and it is not my daily battle... and I wish it wasn't yours either. I don't understand. The only words that come to mind are like Nephi I guess- even though I don't understand... I KNOW that God loves his children- especially during the experiences when He allows these things to happen. I know He loves you, Janet. I know He is grateful for your faithfulness- even on your hardest days. You know, I love you all the more for your hardest days... you have no idea what a strength you are to everyone around you... and you feel so weak. We love Blaze- and it is going to take way to long to meet him... but, we are grateful that you are teaching all of us how to get back to our loved ones and Heavenly Father. ~We love you~
I totally get what you mean about things being uncomfortable. I remember when my sisters little ones died, there were just no words. It took quite a while before conversation was anywhere near comfortable. I remember just wanting to make it better so badly, but there was nothing I could do or say to do that. The good news is things are good for her now and I think she has finally found happiness again. It has taken almost 4 years and I know she still has hard days. But you will get there too. Like Tina Mac said, right now you have to struggle through the pain, and the hurt. But you will find happiness again, if anyone deserves it, you do.
Janet! Don' even worry! I seriously just love you to death, I think you are amazing, and strong, even if you don't feel it. My heart goes out to you, everytime I read you blog my heart just breaks and I just bawl every single time I get on, at the thought of what you have, and are going through, I can't even imagine! It's true that you don't know what to say to someone in your situation, because you know that no matter what you say, it's not going to help, know that I am always praying for you, I wish you every happiness the future could bring! You are DARLING!
Janet, I know I have not seen you in ages, really years, but I wanted you to know your impact. Jessie told me of your family's trials, and I have been following your blog, even started reading from the first post. I cried and ached for you (and even though God knows I am not that kind of person, I even prayed for you and yours). My grief was so apparent I told a friend at work, she cried and prayed for you as well. We read your subsequent postings and our hearts still ache for you. But out of it all, good has come. Not one day goes by that I don't count my blessings and enjoy each little second. My priorities are reset each time I read your blog, nothing is as sweet as spending time with your family. Floors go un-mopped, events go by un-attended, bills sometimes even go un-noticed, but as long as I have kissed my family, laughed with them, and snuggled at night and never go to bed upset, my life is good. Everytime I think I am going to be too stressed to handle what may be going on, I read your blog for strength; I don't think anyone displays strength quite as much as you have. You have proven to be quite the inspiration to me and my co-worker (who happens to be 20 weeks along in a very high risk pregnancy). I just wanted you to know what an impact you have made to others and how much you are loved and admired, even by those who have never met you. Thank you for being such an amazing person!!
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