A Weekend in Idaho

This weekend Rays brother Tristan came home from serving a mission in Russia. A few weeks ago we didn't think we would be able to come but due to all the things that have transpired we were able to be here. To be honest I didn't know how I felt about coming I don't feel like being out I want to stay in and just greive but I know that it is important to surround ourselves with people who love us especially at this time.
Yesterday was one of the hardest since Blazes service on Tuesday. I felt like I just needed to cry but didn't feel like I could especially with a house full of boys and me being the only girl other than Rays Mom. I felt like at any moment I would just fall to pieces if anyone asked me how I was. I am sure it had to do with a lack of sleep also we went to bed at 1:30 on Sat Morning and woke up at 7 so part of it was from being tired but the other and bigger part is my heart and I think it is all beginning to sink in. So last night we had a BBQ with Rays entire family Aunts, Uncles, and cousins. I honestly told myself I had 2 options one to just tell anyone that asked me how I was doing... that I was ok and the other to burst into tears each time someone asked how I was doing... I chose to say I was ok for the most part there were tearful moments how could there not be we just lost our little boy and our hearts are broken but for the most part I was able to hold it together... Ray has such a good family they all expressed their Love and concern for us and their Love for Blaze. We truely do feel surrounded by wonderful people it is amazing to see how much we are loved.
Rays Aunt Tara is so sweet she came up to talk to me and gave me a hug from the back which started the crying... she was telling us Thank You for being so faithful and how our blog has touched their lives and changed their family. I only started blogging about our experience because I had no other way to vent my emotions without being even more taxing on Ray so that first night when I didn't know how I would make it thru I used our blog as a realease to express how I feel and now it has become a way for us to share our lives with others and hopefully in some way help others. I feel like our faith is not that strong but is being strengthend. I have to be honest in saying there have been many times that I have thought I can't do it I don't have the faith to make it thru this day... but gratefully Ray has been by my side in moments of extreeme doubt and hopefully I have been there in his. Aunt Tara talked about Pioneers who gave up so much and have to leave their babies on the planes... honestly I have always thought I was so glad that I didn't have to be a pioneer and go thru all they had to endure but thru this experience I have felt a little like a pioneer even though we live in a day when modern medicine is amazing it still can not do the work that Heavenly Father can do... I feel like I have been able to feel just a touch of the sorrow some pioneers must have felt. Thank You to all of our family and friends and those following our blog... thank you for the hugs and arms full of love always stretched out for us and for all of your love and support for thinking we are so faithful all I can say is we are trying as we are tried. Thank You for thinking of me as a woman of faith even though I feel like I am not very faithful thru my broken and angry heart I know that this is a trial of our faith and know that God loves and it watching over us.