Today has been the hardest day of our lives. Our hearts are too heavy to say much but for those of you who have been praying for us and following our blog this is the best way to let everyone know.
When we left Blaze last night he was not doing good... his night was a very hard one! He has been having seizures for a few days but last night and this morning they were continuous. I called the nurse to check on him and she said he was not stable and they could not get him to stop seizing despite all the medication they had given him to control seizures it did not help. So we rushed to the hospital both knowing that today would be full of very hard decisions but knowing what the Lord needed us to do. So much confusion in our heads but so much peace and knowing in our hearts. We rushed to his bedside they were taking an Angeogram of his heart and he was still seizing. The Dr asked to speak with us and pulled us into a private room with a social worker Shawnie our nurse Pat (so ditsy) and a Nurse Practitioner Garry. Because Blaze had been seizing so much doing the heart surgery or PDA was not a very good option also he was depending so much on the respirator they told us the surgery would do little good if they were to be able to do it. They talked us thru what Blaze was experiencing with his seizures and not being able to control them. He not only is a stage 4 on his Brain but he has been hemoraging so bad the seizures were a result of it. We knew we had to make a decision to help Blaze the best way that we could. The Doctors do have to be gloom and doom but we also knew Blaze was in so much pain and has been for a week. So our families came and spent the day with us just to be with us for whatever we needed. Then tonight Ray gave him a name and a blessing and released his little body from this life. After that it was just a short amount of time when his breathing got very difficult even on his ventalator he was having a hard time. Because of his blessing we feel that he went peacefully. He died in our arms at about 7PM tonight.
There are a MILLION emotions attached that are just to fresh to share our hearts are broken and hurt both physically and emotionally! We hope that as parents we did the right thing we have prayed and fasted and begged to know what we needed to do. There was so much peace in our room when he passed thru the veil. I never expspected to feel peace when it was so hard to watch him go. He is the Love of our lives! Our lives have been so blessed to have him in our little family and to know a whole new definition of love. Blaze is the biggest and best thing that has ever happened to us. Words can't express the sadness that we feel to not have him physically with us but we are so grateful that we had him for as long as we did. I will never forget his perfect little face and hands and feet. What we are experiencing we would never wish on anyone part of me wants to be so angry and scream why us WHY?? The other part and hopefully stronger than the other struggles to understand and is grateful that Blaze just needed a body and was too much for this world to handle...
that is all I can say for tonight our hearts are heavy and we miss our little boy. We Love You BLAZE thank you for coming to our family!
41 comments:
Janet: I am so sorry. I can only imagine what you are going through. Know we are here for you and we will continue to pray for you and your family.
Janet and Ray-
Please know that we love you SO much and have been praying for you constantly through this past week. You are both so strong. I hope you know how many tons and tons of people love you and are praying for you through this experience.
My husband and I are thinking and praying for you tonight. I'm sure Blaze knows how lucky he was to have you for his short time on earth and certainly waits to have you both back with him for eternity. Love to you and Ray and your precious angel Blaze-- forever a superhero!
Oh Janet, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart and prayers go out to your little family at this time. As hard as these times are, it is so comforting to know these sweet angels are ours forever. And you will get to raise your little boy someday. That beautiful baby just needed a body. He was too perfect to have to go through the pains of this world. He is truly one of the lucky ones. I just want you to know I am thinking of you and pray for your peace.
i love you.
know that jared and i will be praying for you and ray.
my dearest janet, i love you so much and am so humbled and thankful to you for sharing your life and experience with all of us on this blog. your words are so beautiful, words that could only come from a wonderful mother. your little blaze will be with u always and u will forever be blessed with his big spirit. i am so sorry my sister, love u always.
Janet, I just wanted you to know that you've been in my prayers all week and that you will continue to be. I hope that you will be able to feel some sort of peace throughout this amazingly difficult time. Many hugs,
Jackie (Pierce) Leishman
Blaze is so lucky to have you as parents for eternity. I could feel the love you had for him, the second you found out you were pregnant. i am so so sorry and wish there was something I could do. He was so perfect and amazing in every way. I am so grateful to have met him, and to be his little auntie for eternity! I love you all so much, and please know that I am always there for you!
I love you guys! Please know that my prayers have been with you and will continue to be with you. Blaze is the cutest, most precious baby! So blessed to have such amazing parents! I LOVE YOU!!
Dearest Janet & Ray - Again words cannot express what is in my heart. I don't know the emotions that you have been going through but I know how heavy my heart is. My prayer is that you will forever know the peace of doing what was right for your little boy. What choice spirits you must have been to have such a perfect little spirit come with you, if only for a short time. It was time enough for you to love him. Heavenly Father needed to know that you would have the strength and the determination to get through this trial so Blaze could depend on you for the eternities. He will be with you. You will feel him everyday. He will make sure that you are reminded of his perfectness so you will always be obedient and honour your covenants so you "will" be with him some day. He is counting on you. I love you so much and wish I could be there to hold you both. I am grateful that you both have families that are there for you - to support you through this very trying time. Know, my sweeties, you made the right decision. The only decision that you could have made.
Blaze - you came to earth to fain a body so you can live with your family for eternity. We love you and are so very grateful for the strength we have gained through our prayers for you.
Luv,
Mom Mac - for eternity
Janet and Ray,
My heart just hurts for you! I am so sorry for your loss, and yet so grateful you had the time with Blaze that you did. He is very lucky to have strong parents. You will remain in my prayers.
Janet, I know I just keep saying how sorry I am, and I know that doesn't help, but I just don't know what else to say. Words can't express the sorrow I feel in my heart. You are an amazing mommy, and Blaze is lucky to have you and Ray for parents.For some reason, Our Heavenly Father needed him in heaven. But, he is yours forever! That is such an amazing thing. You are so lucky to have that knowledge that he is sealed to you for an eternity. That is my biggest fear in life, that I may never know that feeling. What a special little boy. He is better than this crazy world we live in. Just know that our prayers are with you-always. You made the only decision you could. don't ever question that. Your words are amazing. Thank you for sharing.
Ray and Janet-
I am so sorry for the loss of your little one and for the pain that you are feeling right now. Know that you will continue to be in our prayers.
HUGS!
Rachel
"...Thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain." 1 Nephi 2:2
I doubt there are any words that can take away the pain and sadness you are feeling right now, but know that we are all crying with you and praying for your family. Remember the words of the Lord to Joseph in Liberty Jail, "...peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." Continue to draw near to your Heavenly Father. You will find the greatest peace and comfort through Him and then He will pour out blessings upon you beyond measure. We are so sorry for you loss. Thank you for sharing such private experiences and feelings with us all. We love you and wish we were closer, if only to lend a hug at this time.
All our love,
Justin, Amy and Grace
Janet and Ray
I am so very sorry for the loss of your little one. I can't imagine how you must feel. What an amazing spirit. little Blaze was...you could just feel it. He was just too perfect for this world. What a wonderful day it will be when he is in your arms again. Please know that you are in our prayers.
Nothing can be said to make this any better. We are so sorry. We love you guys and pray for you. You are not alone. Heavenly Father is there for you. http://www.babymckallister.blogspot.com/
Janet and Ray, You are in our prayers. I am so sorry you have to experience something this hard. Having the gospel and the knowledge of eternal families will help comfort you at this time. Also, I am sure that as little Blaze left your arms he went straight into the arms of our Savior--who undoubtily missed him very much.
Janet and Ray,
I cannot imagine what you are going thru, but you are so strong. I am so sorry for your loss. You've been in our thoughts and prayers. One day you will be able to see him again, as the perfect angel he is. Much love and prayers.
Janet, we love you so much. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you and Ray. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, but you have been so strong through all of it. You are strong! And don't ever question if you did the right thing. The peace you felt in that room was our Father in Heaven's reassurance that you did. Our prayers are with you and you are in our hearts.
I'm so sorry for you guys.
Janet,
My heart goes out to you and your family and I can only try to imagine what you must be feeling now. You and your husband are amazing, strong people and you will be surrounded with love from all of us friends and family and from our Father. I continue to keep you in my prayers.
Janet and Ray...
My thoughts have been with you constantly for the past 2 weeks. It's hard for me to make sense and understand why Heavenly Father would send this sweet baby down here and then take him away. But I know that in time you will find peace and realize that "everything happens for a reason". Maybe Blaze was needed to be your "gaurdian angel". As a mother, I can only begin to imagine how it would be to lose a piece of yourself and your sweet husband. But maybe it's not really a "loss". Maybe it's a "gain"...in a spiritual sense. My love and compassion goes out to you. You ARE and ALWAYS will be a Mommy and Daddy! :)
Love,
Pam Hansen
I am so very sorry for your loss. Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers.
(((HUGS)))
Emily
That was beautiful. You DO know a whole new definition of love that is so sacred and pure. Blaze was too pure for this earth. Take peace in knowing the Lord already has him doing what he needs Blaze to do. The plan is perfect, I know you know this. That's THE ONLY THING TO BRING COMFORT RIGHT NOW. Its important to grieve and feel pain, and that's why Heavenly Father is here. I love you so much, I feel like having known you has made me a stronger person. My life is will never be the same. Janet and Ray, please know you are in our prayers. We love you, and are here for you if and whenever you need us.
"Be still, and know that He is God." This phrase keeps coming to my mind for some reason.
Love, Natalie, Josh, Lilly, and Knox.
As I was reading your words tears were coming down my face. I don't even know the words to say. As a mother you hope and pray to never live a day like that and I admire your strength and the decision you made for Blaze. He's such a special little boy. I love you and will pray for you and your family.
My Beautiful Sister Janet, and Ray,
My heart is filled with such heavy sadness at this time for you and your families. I am so humbled by your strength and the courageous act of love and selflessness you displayed for Blaze in giving him your blessing into Heaven. Blaze is so fortunate to have been born unto you two. He couldn't possibly have had better parents.
The words your Mom Mac wrote, are amazing and filled with such wisdom. It is such a comfort and great peace to know and believe that Blaze is waiting and depending on you to rejoin him with Heavenly Father.
You already did the hard part in letting him go in this lifetime. Always remember that the next is for Eternity.
I love you so much My Sister. My thoughts, and those of the ones who love you are with you during this experience.
Janet and Ray, We just wanted to let you know we love you and are thinking and praying for you. Love the Winkelkotters
Janet and Ray, we are so sorry for your loss. I have been checking your blog everyday and praying for little Blaze. I can't stop crying. I am just so sorry for what you two are going through right now. Don't ever question if you did the right thing. As Blaze's parents, Heavenly Father helped you make the right decision. Your little Blaze is waiting for you in heaven. We are so blessed to know that families are forever, and you will get to be with your angel again. We love you, and you and your family will continue to be in our prayers.
Janet,
You and Ray and your little man have been on my mind all week long. Know that Kurtis and I are constantly praying for you guys. We went to the temple today and put your names on the prayer roll. Blaze must have been such a special spirit that he only needed to be here for such a short time. Thank heavens for eternal families. We love you and are continuing to pray for you!
Our hearts are heavy to hear of your loss, but know that Blaze is in Heaven watching over you two. We are confident that this will only make you guys stronger and even more committed to the gospel and each other, so you can all be together one day.
Janet,
You used a word in your post that explains everything... PERFECT. "I will never forget his perfect little face and hands and feet." Blaze was perfect. He was able to come into your life and serve his mission for his Father in Heaven, He did as the Lord commanded him. I know with all my heart and soul that you and Ray will see Blaze again. He will be just as PERFECT as the day you met him. He left behind a strong, loving, devoted mother and father and he will be there to watch over and protect both of you. Please know that he is with Heavenly Father in his Kingdom.
You are in our thoughts and prayers. Stay strong!
Love you lots girl!!
I am sorry for you loss Janet. You are in my thoughts and prayers. It's hard to understand why the Lord does what He does, but everything happens for a reason.
Love,
Angela
I can not even imagine what you are going through. I know that you did what was best for your baby. I was tellin my mom about this tomight and she said "It sounds to me that he was just excited to get down here and get a body then return to the work!" I thought long and hard about how true that is. He is such a special little man and he is doing the thigns his Heavenly Father needs him to do. I know that does not even put a dent in the pain you and Ray are going through! I want to make everything ok for you guys. I truly look up to both of you for your strength! Heavenly Father is close by lean on him! I love you!
Our Dearest Ray and Janet~ I wake up each morning and immediately check your blog to see how our little man is doing...but, it took me a couple of days to respond this time. I understand the why and the anger and the hurt to such a minor degree. Your words have been so amazingly full of faith- you have strengthened me. I do know that Blaze is yours for eternity. I do know that he was blessed to just have his body for the time he did. I do know that he is in such a glorious place with our Heavenly Father and Savior. I do know that for the rest of your lives, Blaze will be watching over his family. I am so grateful to know these things. But, it still hurts so much. I pray that Blaze will help comfort your hearts from across the veil. We love you both so dearly, so dearly. Thank-you for sharing Blaze with us by your precious words. Love, Your Steenson Family
I just want you to know Blaze has touched so many lives. Even though I never got to see him I know his little spirit through your words. I will always remember him and how hard he fighted. He is a perfect little spirit.
We love you all! We'll continue to keep you in our prayers.
Janet and Ray,
Our hearts are full for you at this time. We are so sorry about your little guy. We will continue to keep you in our prayers. Blaze is a beautiful little boy and a special Child of God. One of the talks at Women's Conference talked about our trials in this life. "Am I willing to replace MY plan with HIS?" "The Lord gives us trials because he wants to know whom HE can trust" "Focus on the Lord and we can see with new eyes" "We are not promised "The Dream" of a perfect life while on earth,but an experience that will lead us home..." "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, all the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty together again...But the King of Kings, our Savior, has the power to put us together again.He can heal and comfort us. He is the keeper of All dreams, He can bring us peace in this world and joy in the world to come." May the Lord bless you and keep your "Little King" in His arms until you see him again. We love you...Uncle Rex and Aunt Cindy and family
We love you guys and we're praying for you to get through this with peace and comfort. Your post was beautiful and all your posts about Blaze have really touched me...he is a special little Spirit to have touched so many lives. We love you and we love Blaze.
I know you don't know me at all, but I'm Natasha's husbands sister Amanda, I've been reading little bits of your blog and I'm truly sorry for you loss. I hope you can find comfort in all the prayers and thoughts that have been said for your family. I'm sure your son will always have a special place in your heart. I hope that gives you such comfort. Peace and love to you and your husband.
Janet, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. What a beautiful Child of God he is. Just remember you are not alone and our Heavenly Father loves you.
I am so sorry. Your story brings me to tears and my heart truly goes out to you. Please know, however, that you are an inspiration. Your faith and your strength will, and have, blessed the lives of many. I pray that the Lord will bring you the comfort and healing that you so deserve.
~Chandi (Petersen) Bird
Janet, I've been reading your blog for over an hour and I am so emotional. It made me just want to go lay in bed with Cole for a while (and I did). It's true that we don't know how blessed we are until something is taken away from us. You are brave for sharing your feelings with the world through your blog. Your story is hard to read but it's inspiring...you really are like Abby from the Biggest Loser. Strong and courageous. Of course there will be hard days but you and I both know that Blaze was too good for this world...but I also know that it doesn't make you feel much better because you'd so much rather be holding him in your arms. I don't have anything to say that will make you feel better or patch your broken heart but just know that I think you're amazing and I'm glad we got to hang out on Friday! I didn't even know what you had gone through until Melissa mentioned it to me yesterday so I wanted to find your blog. I'm sorry if we seemed insensitive on Friday night. I'm not sure if we said anything that could have made you feel bad but that's probably because I didn't know...so I hope you'll forgive me if I said something stupid.I honestly had no idea what you had gone through. You are one of Heavenly Father's choicest daughters and he will shower you with blessings. Love ya, RaeLynn
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