Day # 4

This may be long and emotional....
It is now the end of day #4 I can't even begin to describe the emotional, physical, or spiritual process this has been. We were waiting for our Dr. to come in on Monday morning and hoping that she would release us... well she did come in and came right down to labor and delivery to see us but she did not give us the news we were hoping for. She said there was absolutly no way we were going home with this little man trying to make it so soon. To make a very long story short we were dialated to a 4 and 80 percent effaced... our little guy is only 6cm and wants to come right now... so if we were to go home and he decided NOW is the time even though we live just a few miles from the hospital there would be no way he would make it. So we are here until he delivers which they say will be very soon and we have had many times when we thought it was the moment but luckily he is still in the incubator for now.
When the Dr told us we had to stay a flood of emtions came to both of us... Ray had anger and frustration just wondering how in the world we would afford it... I had the same thoughts as well as a surreal "this can't or is not happening to us" feeling. The tears came so freely for both of us especially as we relize the magnitude of the situation and that each moment we get with him in the womb is one more moment that could save his life. We had another ultrasound to measure his weight and size he is measuring bigger than he is in weeks... we are 24 weeks and he measures at 26 weeks and 1lb 15oz also he is in the 73 percentile for his due time. He is our strong little boy and a big one at that which if any odds can help we will take them! Anything that can work at all in his favor.
We have been flooded with love and concern from everyone we know so THANK YOU for your prayers we have felt them in our behalf and continue to be so blessed! We are grateful for everyone that is helping and praying for us especially! I just want to share a few of my present thoughts...
I am emotionally drained to say the least it is 11:30 PM I am typing this while Ray tries to sleep I feel so bad for him! In the background all I can hear is our little mans heartbeat and wonder how muh longer we both can make it. Last night and today have been among some of the hardest in my life. I though we were going to have him last night... each time I felt like it was the moment... something would come up. I would talk myself out of an epidural or there would be an emergency c section and all of the nurses would have to leave.... the timing just never worked out and gratefully it has given our little man one more day to grow. In the midst of all of this I thought that by the end of today we would have a little boy in INICU and we would be moving on from there... instead my emtions are going to be the death of me if this hospital bed is not. My whole body hurts as they keep giving me different medications to stop contractions, I can't even get out of bed to shower or sit up in any way. I worry so much about our little boy and if I will be able to hang on long enough to give him a fighting chance. So as I lay here and cry I can't help but hope I am stronger than I think I am and have more faith than I think I do. Listening to his little heart beat I just want to know that I have done all I can. The nurses keep saying no matter what the outcome please do not put blame on yourself for whatever happens" That is si much easier said than done... I keep praying for a confirmation to know when the timing is the Lords and not mine... it has not come yet so we continue to pray and hold on until it does. Knowing tha he has control over this and that I need to be still and know that he is God. My heart is heavy and my eyes are too.... more to come on the King baby
Thank you again for all of your prayers and all that has been done and is being done in our behalf WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!