Uncomfortable

I know that it seems I only post when things are hard but it is my way of getting it out and hopefully helping us heal. We have had quite a few good days we went to the Kenny Chesney concert last Thursday it was AMAZING we were down by the stage and it was AWESOME I have the BEST husband in the world! We had a good weekend we swam a lot and played a lot our Blazer broke down hauling a wave runner up Parleys canyon. So we had it towed and the mechanic won't be in till tomorrow to look at it so it didn't seem like a big deal we have another car... well last night we went for a drive up the canyon and our car started overheating and today I barely made it home it was overheating so bad... to make a long story short both of our cars need some work... we have both had a very hard day the saying "when it rains it pours" seems to be true at the moment for us. I will post pics of our recent doings soon but tonight I need to vent a little...

I have had a hard day! As I read back thru our experience in the hospital I remember having very hard days wondering if I could make it long enough to give Blaze a fighting chance... I wondered if emotionally I could take it anymore... and I said those were among some of the hardest days of my life... and they were and we are still living some really hard days.

I have felt that a lot of people are uncomfortable around me... for good reason I used to be uncomfortable around those who had suffered such a loss. And not knowing what to say I thought it was better not to say anything at all. Now being on the other side it is just as uncomfortable if not more so. I know you don't know what to say but neither do I... I know that nothing you can say will make the pain any less or the healing any easier. I know that it is uncomfortable for you because you have never been where we are and if you have been you know the heartache that comes with such a loss. But it is uncomfortable for me too... It is hard for me to see your new baby or the one your about to have... it is hard for me to see your life and not be jealous that everything is going ok for you. It is not just uncomfortable for you but it is for me too. I am sorry if I make it hard to be approachable I don't mean to. The truth of the matter is I am dying inside... not one moment goes by that I don't want to have our little boy back to be pregnant and to carry on with life as it should be. But we don't have that luxury I know that we have something to look forward to in the life after this one but that does not make it any easier to carry this burden now.

I think it is getting a little better but then I slip back into this reality I am not so much angry as I am hurt. Please understand that I use this blog to let out my hearts deepest thoughts and as a way to express what I feel not to be mean or harsh just to help me better understand and remember where I am where I have been and where I hopefully have come from.
My heart is so heavy... some days life seems to be ok and others it just hurts.
Until the next post thanks for reading and for caring
Much Love!

Rewind

Do you ever wish you could just rewind your life and make everything better? I am having one of those moments I wish I could rewind my life a few months back I would try and make the outcome a little different than it is now... I would try a little harder to hold Blaze in and I would never have let them Life Flight him to Primarys... I think there are a few things I would do differently but all I can do is wish since there is no real way to turn back time... if only I had the chance to rewind. And if only I could understand just a little here's to hope!

Two Months & Love

Today marks 2 months since we had Blaze. I can't believe how quickly (looking back) the time has gone. Each day we still miss him and pray that Heavenly Father will tell him we love him and are grateful he came to our family. Also each day seems to bring a new resolution to make it thru a little better than we did the day before to be a little kinder and have a little more faith that the man upstairs knows what he is doing. Ray has been so much better at the faith part than I have and I am grateful that marriage is created the way that it is when one is weak the other is strong. I am grateful for his strength to hold my up when I feel to weak to do it on my own I am grateful for his Faith in God and in his plan and I am grateful to have him as my eternal companion I could not make it without him!

So many emotions are still worn on my sleeve I am ok most of the time but I still get the tear filled eyes when asked how I am doing because I feel my heart break a little knowing they genuinly care and am grateful to be loved just the same if I burst into tears. I always told Ray I must have stood in the love line too many times in heaven but there can never be too much love and I am grateful that Blaze has brought more of that into our lives that I ever knew was possible. We Love you Blaze!

Last night my Bishop from my Singles ward years ago called me. Bishop Innes who is now President Innes. This man has done remakable things in my life and I will always be so grateful for the opportunity I have of knowing and loving him. He was the reason I went on my mission and the reason I stayed on my mission and my life has been blessed everyday for it. He had heard of our loss and wanted to send his condolences. He said a phrase that stuck he said " As hard as it is and has been I bet you have seen the Love of the Lord thru people in a way you never exspected" It is true I have and am amazed at the out pouring of love for our family thru Blazes birth and Death so I wanted so say a just few thank yous.

I want to do a little shout out to a few people who I am so grateful for knowing there are way too many to mention I may just start shout out highlights for the blessings in my life.

First shout out to my Aunt Tammy. She is an AMAZING woman who I have seen shine thru so much for us in the last few months. She gives with her whole heart! She never hesitates to serve those she loves and would give anything to make you feel loved. I wish I could show her my heart I love her more than she will ever know I am greatful for her wisdom and feel a closeness with her that I can't describe like we are sisters. I am grateful for her understanding as we face this trial in our lifes I don't know why but I feel like she understands the pain we are going thru and can empathize with me. I love you Aunt Tammy

Next Shout out is Rays Aunt Leslee what a remarkable woman! I don't know much about he life other that she has faced very hard things and is an amazing example of faith and endurance. I have been blessed to feel a closeness to her and am grateful that she asks how I am doing knowing that on the outside I am ok but the inside I am hurt. She always says "how are you doing really" She is genuine and I am greatful for her in my life! She is a tremendous woman of faith! Thank you Aunt Leslee for loving me for me and for caring so much about us! I love You!

Last shoutout but not the least is my Sister. She is my best friend and can tell me I'm crazy and I still love her just the same. She is the best Mom and Wife on the planet and even though she is younger than me I look up to her in so many ways. She has been such a great strength to me all of my adult life. She is faithful and full of love, she is Beautiful and strong. She is so many things I hope to be and the best sister and friend I could ever ask for. She understands and loves me for me which is the greatest blessing of all. I am grateful that I have her to help me make it thru when times get tough and when times are good! I love you Sis!

I am so grateful that God gives me the things I need thru the people that I love. Honestly this experiece would be unbearable without the love of family and friends. So a shout out to all who love and express their concern and pray for us and ALL you have done for our little family in these last 2 months we are so grateful. I hope to live each day so Blaze can say from the other side "thats my Mommy she's awesome!" That is what I live for now.. to make it to Blaze and to tell him Thank You and I love him in person. I hope to be a little better each day!

WE LOVE YOU!

Eternal Perspective

The last few weeks have been so hard for me. I have felt so abandon and alone in the eternal scheeme of things and found my self thinking that God doesn't even know me he has no idea how I am feeling and why would he care when there are BILLIONS of other who need his help. Needless to say it has made the loss of Blaze even harder when I haven't been asking for help from him. Yesterday was just one of many meltdowns and after a very long discussion with Ray and trying to understand a little of where to go from here he just listened and reminded me that God does love me and he hasn't forgotten me. Hard for me to believe sometimes.
What really did it for me though was a call from my Brother Jon. Jon has been thru more than his fare share of trails in this life he lost his wife at 21 and was left to raise 2 little boys until he remarried Kelli (shes wonderful) and has been a great comfort thru this. He called me yesterday saying he had been praying to know how to help me and the answer he recieved to prayer was to tell me that "God Loves me and he knows my heartache he feels the pain we are going thru and wants me to remember that I know what is right." I absolutly needed this I have been reminded by so many that I love but for some reason hearing it from someone who has endured thru so much really hit me. I think I needed to hear it from someone who has felt anger in the way that I am feeling but he did say he has no idea what it feels like to loose a child and he can't even begin to imagine the pain on the same hand I can't imagine what it would be like to loose Ray so I feel that we both have an understanding of loss for each other. I am grateful for answer to prayer thru others I am grateful for love and concern shown to Ray and I. I am most of all greatful to have Heavenly Father answer thru someone he knew I would be able to hear it from thru all of the hurt.
We went to the temple last night which is where I need to find myself more often until I can understand more of what I need to be doing. I am grateful that even when I am angry and hurt God still loves me. As we sat in the temple I said to Ray I am not so much angry as I am hurt... I am just hurt and feel wounded by the pain of loss and not understanding. Hurt is a much better word to descibe the way I feel. Ray gave me a blessing when we got home and it helped to. So today is the first good day in a few weeks but I will take it and be grateful to know that Blaze is near and he is ok.

Every Single Day

Ok so this is not going to be the most uplifting post but I need to vent out some of what I am feeling in a way that won't make others feel bad (mainly my hubby and sister I always feel like I unload all of lifes burdens on them and I am sure they need breaks from me).
I titled this post every single day because... every single day I wonder if we made the right decisions for Blaze. Every Single day I wonder what it would be like to still be pregnant, what would it be like to still be in the hospital, what would it be like to still have our little boy in the hospital, how big would he be now? Every single day I wonder what it would be like to hold our little boy in my arms and rock him to sleep or feed him or give him kisses. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!
This morning on the way to work I was thinking about our last day with Blaze and how my brothers took all day to get to Primarys so we could give Blaze a name and a blessing I was thinking about everyone being a little impatient with them being late but today I am grateful that they took their time so I had that much more time to spend with Blaze in this life. I constantly think about and hope we made the right decisions for him. I can't think about that day without tearing up and my heart wanting to burst it is a harsh reality that I wish was just a dream
I always loved the saying and picture of the Savior that says "I never said it would be easy I only said it would be worth it" but now I wonder what is worth it? Everyday I feel like I am living through some kind of HELL and torment with all the exspectant mothers who have no idea the miracle it really is to have a healthy baby. I have such a hard time... I don't dare say as to I don't want to offend but the purpose of this venting is to get it all out in the open. I have such a hard time being around moms with healthy children wishing they just had time to themselves again and soon to be moms who seem to have no complications at all other than morning sickness I would give ANYTHING to be that kind of sick to have Blaze back and to be pregnant anxiously awaiting his birth to bring him home healthy! So EVERY SINGLE DAY I will try to make it thru the HELL this life has become for me. Some days are good today is not one of those days but hopefully tomorrow will be!

Fathers Day and One Month

It has been one month since our little angel passed from this life... We miss him more than words can express... each day is so different for us some are good some bad and others are so hard. We are beginning to understand a whole new understanding of the Atonement. We went back to the temple for the first time since loosing Blaze and on the way there we read Elder Hollands talk from the last General Conference it is titled "None were with Him" I cried thru the entire thing... it is exactly how I have been feeling so alone and abandoned at times. Not many understand what my heart feels... I am just beginning to understand what it means that I don't get to bring my little boy home... I will never get to hold him in this life... We don't get to see him learn to talk, or walk, or go to kindergarden. It is hard to explain but the emptiness it so unfair at times. So many events have happened in our lives these last few weeks to remind us of the Love that God has for our little family. In the talk from Elder Holland he talks about how the atonement was completed when the Savior was crucified and in his last moments on the cross the Father withdrew from him so he felt completely alone.... as if the father had abandoned him... and he had no one. He talked about how the Savior had to go thru that experience for the Atonement to be complete. As we read the talk I am grateful for the better understanding that I have of the atonement. It covers so much more than sin... it covers the emptiness we feel for the loss of Blaze it covers the lonliness our hearts feel and longing for him to be with us. I am grateful for our Savior and the complete and infinate atonement I am just beginning to understand how much it has helped us thru this trial in our lives and I am grateful.
We miss Blaze every minute of every day he is the reason we carry on and the reason for all that I do. I am grateful that I was able to spend a week by his side and get to spend my entire life loving him and looking forward to seeing him again. I miss you peanut! I miss your face and your giant spirit! Thank You for being our Angel in this life!


Happee BeLated Fathers Day

I absolutly LOVE this picture! I know that Blaze was his Daddys little man and still is. The love expressed in this picture is just a glimpe of how wonderful my husband is! I love you honey for the man that you are and the man you want to be! Thank You for being so good to us! Happee Fathers day! Thank You to our Dads and Grandpas and Uncles and Brothers who are all great examples to us of how to be great Dads and who love us so much! We are so blessed to have you in our lives We LOVE YOU!

To Mourn With Those That Mourn

The Last few days my eyes have really been opened to the fact that we are not mourning alone. I feel like I have been so selfish and self centered thru this process of loosing Blaze that I have not considered too much of the hurt that others are feeling as well. Tomorrow will be three weeks since we held Blaze for the first and the last time on this earth. Words can't express the pain our hearts still feel for his loss. I find myself constantly reliving the week of his life and constantly reliving the day of his passing. I wonder if the hurt will ever go away and at the same time I am not ready for it to... I am so stubborn I know the Savior is there waiting for us to utilize his atonement but a part of me feels like if I ask him to take away the pain that I will forget and I am not ready to forget.

Anyway I am not the purpose for this post... the purpose of this post is to say Thank You for those of you who mourn with us. I know it seems a little strange that I would say Thank You for mourning but honestly to know how many lives have been effected by one little spirit is amazing to us. Blaze was only on this earth for one short week and the amount of people effected by his life has been amazing to watch. The first few weeks going thru this entire process I found we were asking "why us?? Why??" After loosing Blaze it was still Why but not Why Us anymore because we feel that no one should have to go thru this experience and pain. I still ask Heavenly Father why... why so many trials, what are you trying to mold me into?, what do I need to learn that I am not learning? But in the last few days thru emails and phone calls I have realized a little bit of the answer to why? Our family was meant for some reason to bless the lives of others... to see if we could be faithful and to see if when we are tried to the limit if we will still look to heaven for help. I hope that those of you who struggle with the Gospel or your testimony or just knowing that God is there we have felt and seen the power of heaven in our lives.
I know that Blaze was also sent for Ray and I to know that God lives and he is in charge he has a greater knowledge and knows the big picture. So many prayers, and blessings for Blaze to be ok and to pull thru to be healthy and to be strong.... The only way for the Lord to give us all of those was to let us have Blaze for just a little while.
We want all of you to know that we are blessed to have you in our lives Thank You for the emails, the phone calls, the prayers, cards and thoughts we are so blessed to have so many reaching out to let us know that you care. We appreciate all you have done and continue to do for us we feel your mourning with ours and know that Blaze is such a special little boy. I wish words could express better what is in my heart but we want you to know that We Love You!