6 years ago... a full cycle

6 years ago today was the hardest day of my life. We said goodbye to this little boy for this life knowing it would be a very very long time until we see him again. And I know that time is relative to this life but since that is all we know forever seemed like just that forever away

they say time has a way of healing all wounds and 6 years later I can see how parts of that statement are true but how also how some things don't heal... like the longing to hold him again, the wishing for one more day to hold him and give him enough kisses to last a lifetime, and just the opportunity for our whole family to be together. This year marks the full cycle of life for our sweet Blaze. He was born on Thursday and passed away on Thursday... Thursdays were so so SO hard for me for a long time... and even now Thursday mornings are my hardest of the week. We have made it a full cycle in the weeks which has flown by from a time I didn't know if I could make to the next Thursday to now when we have gone years in the cycle. Some of the feelings of my heart today are that I always know that one of us is missing and as life has gotten incredibly busier with 3 other little blessings that call us Mom and Dad, my heart is so full of gratitude to have had 3 healthy babies and the opportunity to teach them that their big brother is in heaven. The part of my heart that aches the most is with the busyness I feel like Blaze has gotten lost in the shuffle... I used to never miss a holiday decorating his grave, never miss a prayer asking Heavenly Father to tell him how much we love him and miss him, and never miss a day without thinking of him. But in all the craziness I feel like I have let some of those things go... We were in Disneyland for his birthday this year so we did a little birthday in our hearts thinking we would do it when we came home and now here we are on the day of his passing and still no balloons... I hope somewhere in my heart that he knows I mean the best (but feel like the worst) I feel like 3 is more than I can handle some days and now he is on the back burner even more ugh! So today one that will always be a hard on to swallow no matter how many years pass I want to express my love and gratitude for the opportunity I have to be his mommy (no matter how lame I am) I know he chose me to be his mom. I want to let Blaze know that I love him! I wish I could feel him near as much as I used to, I hope that he knows he is not forgotten. I hope that I can be the mommy he needs me to be and I pray he will help me with his little brothers from the other side... heaven knows we all need it... I find comfort that I do have him rooting for me from the other side. I am grateful for these little spirits that have been so close to him to be able to come to our family and bring heaven into our home. I wish I could better express my feelings into words. This is a hard anniversary to have each year, but each year is one closer to the day we get to be together again. So until then we love you little man!! We miss you more than words can say and Love you to the moon and back! You are in our thoughts and we hope you feel our hearts... until our family can all be together again we love you!

What I wouldn't give to hold you one more day... Love Mommy & Daddy