I Thought I Loved You Then

Ray and I have been married for 2 wonderful years. Now don't get me wrong everyday has not been wonderful but it really has been wonderful! Just a little tribute to my WONDERFUL husband. There is a new Brad Paisley song called I thought I loved you then it describes our relationship perfectly so thanks to Brad for the tribute to us
Saint George going to Les Mes at Tuachan

Ray holding Blaze I love this picture!

Ray LOVES new drinks he is a drink Conosour :)

He loves to Hunt, Fish, Golf, Hike, Watch Movies, Drink Root Beer and Mountain Dew, Work Hard, Play Hard and so many other things he is the BEST HUSBAND AND DADDY that anyone could hope for and he is ALL MINE! THANK YOU HONEY for a wonderful 2 years! I LOVE YOU!

One Week

It has been one week since we buried our little boy Blaze. My heart aches as the reality that we won't be brining our little boy home and that I'm not pregnant anymore and that there will be no baby at the end of the summer for us. It is hard to express the range of emotions that I feel on a daily basis some days are easier than others. I started back at work yesterday so much harder than I imagined I am just not ready for life to move on yet I realize now that it is much too soon for me to be back so I have just been there a few hours each day as long as I feel like my heart can handle moving on.. I am grateful that my Boss has been so understanding and willing to work with me and grateful for Debbie who picks up the pieces when I just need me time.
One of the girls I went to High School with sent me this poem that has been a comfort to her in times of struggle. It really touched me and so we will share knowing that this is just how we imagine it was for Blaze. Thank you Alicia for sharing it with us

You are a Special Little Spirit

"You're a Special Little Spirit," the all great Master said,
As he gentlycaressed the curly blond hair of the Little Spirit's head
"You need to go toEarth to spend some time, you know,
A place I send most Spirits to be tested, to learn, and grow."
The Little Spirit, in sadness, slowly bowed his head,
And from his eye a tear did steal and down his cheek it shed.
"Don't you fret now little one, I won't let you stay too long,
I'll bring you back to help me here, You'll hardly know that you've been gone.
You're my choicest Little Spirit, you're the apple of my eye."
And he wiped the tear and gently kissed His Little Spirit good-bye.
"I'm back," the Little Spirit whispered, as he climbed onto his Master's knee,
And the Master said, "I told you, you would not be long away from me."
And then, the Lord, He noticed still another tear welled in his eye.
"Why are you so sad, Little Spirit, whatever should make you cry?"
"I'm glad I'm back," the Little Spirit said, "but Master you must surely know,
When Your Angel came to get me, I did not want to go.
I know You said You needed me, and that I'd be gone the shortest while,
But Lord, couldn't I have had a little longer earthly trial?"
The Master let the Little Spirit slip down from off His knee,
He firmly took the little hand and said, "Come walk with Me."
The Little Spirit and the Lord slowly walked hand in hand,
As the Master explained his special part in the great and marvelous plan.
"Now,Lord, I don't mean to argue, I understand that you needed me home.
But I left in such a hurry, I left everyone hurting and so alone.
I didn't let my earthly parents know how much I loved them so.
I was too small to tell them Lord, how will they ever know?
They feel they've been cheated, and in a way,so do I.
Not getting to share any more than we did, how can I ever tell them why?"
"Little Spirit, I know your heart is heavy with this message you need to share.
But you need not worry anymore, I'll watch over your loved ones there.
I'll send them loving comfort as a strong and helping hand.
I'll contend and give peace to their aching hearts, so they will understand."
The Little Spirit looked up at her Master and said "Thank You for explaining it to me.
And could you please tell them that I'm safe and happy, and that someday They'll be here with me?"
"Yes," said the Lord with a smile and a nod, I'll tell them all that I can.
Then the others came to see the Little Spirit, as the Lord let go of his hand.
He said, "I'll tell them that you're pure, as pure as Heaven's Gold,
That I needed the warmth of your perfect soul to keep Heaven from getting cold"
Author unknown

A Weekend in Idaho

This weekend Rays brother Tristan came home from serving a mission in Russia. A few weeks ago we didn't think we would be able to come but due to all the things that have transpired we were able to be here. To be honest I didn't know how I felt about coming I don't feel like being out I want to stay in and just greive but I know that it is important to surround ourselves with people who love us especially at this time.
Yesterday was one of the hardest since Blazes service on Tuesday. I felt like I just needed to cry but didn't feel like I could especially with a house full of boys and me being the only girl other than Rays Mom. I felt like at any moment I would just fall to pieces if anyone asked me how I was. I am sure it had to do with a lack of sleep also we went to bed at 1:30 on Sat Morning and woke up at 7 so part of it was from being tired but the other and bigger part is my heart and I think it is all beginning to sink in. So last night we had a BBQ with Rays entire family Aunts, Uncles, and cousins. I honestly told myself I had 2 options one to just tell anyone that asked me how I was doing... that I was ok and the other to burst into tears each time someone asked how I was doing... I chose to say I was ok for the most part there were tearful moments how could there not be we just lost our little boy and our hearts are broken but for the most part I was able to hold it together... Ray has such a good family they all expressed their Love and concern for us and their Love for Blaze. We truely do feel surrounded by wonderful people it is amazing to see how much we are loved.
Rays Aunt Tara is so sweet she came up to talk to me and gave me a hug from the back which started the crying... she was telling us Thank You for being so faithful and how our blog has touched their lives and changed their family. I only started blogging about our experience because I had no other way to vent my emotions without being even more taxing on Ray so that first night when I didn't know how I would make it thru I used our blog as a realease to express how I feel and now it has become a way for us to share our lives with others and hopefully in some way help others. I feel like our faith is not that strong but is being strengthend. I have to be honest in saying there have been many times that I have thought I can't do it I don't have the faith to make it thru this day... but gratefully Ray has been by my side in moments of extreeme doubt and hopefully I have been there in his. Aunt Tara talked about Pioneers who gave up so much and have to leave their babies on the planes... honestly I have always thought I was so glad that I didn't have to be a pioneer and go thru all they had to endure but thru this experience I have felt a little like a pioneer even though we live in a day when modern medicine is amazing it still can not do the work that Heavenly Father can do... I feel like I have been able to feel just a touch of the sorrow some pioneers must have felt. Thank You to all of our family and friends and those following our blog... thank you for the hugs and arms full of love always stretched out for us and for all of your love and support for thinking we are so faithful all I can say is we are trying as we are tried. Thank You for thinking of me as a woman of faith even though I feel like I am not very faithful thru my broken and angry heart I know that this is a trial of our faith and know that God loves and it watching over us.

Services for Blaze

Yesterday we layed our little boy to rest. We had his graveside service in Howell and layed him to rest next to my sister in law ManDee. We wanted him to be next to her for comfort knowing that she is watching over him in Heaven. The services were beautiful! It was a sunny and beautiful day. We dressed him on Monday night and sealed his little casket. The services were at 10 and we had so many people that we love there to support us. It was nice to be surrounded by family and friends and a few who really understand what we are going thru. There was a peace there that I have not felt since his passing I know that he is with our Savior I felt their presences near. I know that he has many on the other side who are taking care of him until we can be there with him.

My heart is very tender today and I can't say much perhaps later I will be able to post more but until then here are some pictures that a wonderful woman Katherine took of our little boy and our family in his last moments on this earth. Thank You Katherine for coming and capturing such precious moments in our lives.

also if you go to my sisters blog there are more pictures of his services yesterday and we will be posting more as the days go by.

A Broken Heart

Blazes services will be in Howell tomorrow Tuesday May 26th at 10:00 AM we are just doing a graveside service and want close family and friends there with us. Tonight we have to go dress him in his white tux (Thank You Aunt Susan for sewing one on such short notice) we will then seal the casket and bury him tomorrow.
To be honest my heart is broken into a million peices the only way to describe how it feels is literally broken. I thought I knew what heartache was but I had no idea. It all seems so unreal to me... we went camping with my wonderful family this weekend thinking it might be a good thing to get away... in a way it was nice in another I just wanted to be a lone... I do want to be alone I want to sleep until my heart stops hurting. I don't know if it ever will stop hurting! My sister has been such a great comfort in all of this she is by my side each time I need her and just talks me thru the moment... my brother Jon also lost his wife 9 years ago and I have talked to him I feel so angry and hurt I asked him if it is normal to feel so angry all the time and ask why me?? And he said there is a whole range of emotions that I will go thru and it is true one minute I am ok the next I want to cry my eyes out... I think the hardest part is not understanding why this is happening... why so many have healthy babies and so many suffer from the loss of a child. I wonder what we are being prepared for... I wonder if my faith is strong enough to make it thru this experience... I wonder when the Savior will come again so we can be with our little Blaze... I honestly can't wait for him to be here so this heartache can end and our family can be whole.
I have a huge range of emotions running thru me and it probably is not best for me to be blogging right now.
We just want to say THANK YOU to everyone for all of your comments your prayers and your concern for us. There is no way we can thank each of you individually for all you have done for us so we want to say Thank You for thinking of us and for praying for us and for praying for our little Blaze. We Love and Appreciate all of you!

Heaven

Today has been the hardest day of our lives. Our hearts are too heavy to say much but for those of you who have been praying for us and following our blog this is the best way to let everyone know.
When we left Blaze last night he was not doing good... his night was a very hard one! He has been having seizures for a few days but last night and this morning they were continuous. I called the nurse to check on him and she said he was not stable and they could not get him to stop seizing despite all the medication they had given him to control seizures it did not help. So we rushed to the hospital both knowing that today would be full of very hard decisions but knowing what the Lord needed us to do. So much confusion in our heads but so much peace and knowing in our hearts. We rushed to his bedside they were taking an Angeogram of his heart and he was still seizing. The Dr asked to speak with us and pulled us into a private room with a social worker Shawnie our nurse Pat (so ditsy) and a Nurse Practitioner Garry. Because Blaze had been seizing so much doing the heart surgery or PDA was not a very good option also he was depending so much on the respirator they told us the surgery would do little good if they were to be able to do it. They talked us thru what Blaze was experiencing with his seizures and not being able to control them. He not only is a stage 4 on his Brain but he has been hemoraging so bad the seizures were a result of it. We knew we had to make a decision to help Blaze the best way that we could. The Doctors do have to be gloom and doom but we also knew Blaze was in so much pain and has been for a week. So our families came and spent the day with us just to be with us for whatever we needed. Then tonight Ray gave him a name and a blessing and released his little body from this life. After that it was just a short amount of time when his breathing got very difficult even on his ventalator he was having a hard time. Because of his blessing we feel that he went peacefully. He died in our arms at about 7PM tonight.
There are a MILLION emotions attached that are just to fresh to share our hearts are broken and hurt both physically and emotionally! We hope that as parents we did the right thing we have prayed and fasted and begged to know what we needed to do. There was so much peace in our room when he passed thru the veil. I never expspected to feel peace when it was so hard to watch him go. He is the Love of our lives! Our lives have been so blessed to have him in our little family and to know a whole new definition of love. Blaze is the biggest and best thing that has ever happened to us. Words can't express the sadness that we feel to not have him physically with us but we are so grateful that we had him for as long as we did. I will never forget his perfect little face and hands and feet. What we are experiencing we would never wish on anyone part of me wants to be so angry and scream why us WHY?? The other part and hopefully stronger than the other struggles to understand and is grateful that Blaze just needed a body and was too much for this world to handle...
that is all I can say for tonight our hearts are heavy and we miss our little boy. We Love You BLAZE thank you for coming to our family!

Life Flight

Yesterday was a pretty good day for Blaze he was moving a lot more and things seemed to be going ok. We absolutly love his nurses and the staff at IMC is AMAZING! We were able to sit in on what is called rounds when all the nurses and doctors meet together and discuss each baby in the unit and what their plans are for the day it was crazy to hear all the numbers but great to hear that so many people are working on helping our little man. He has a PDA which is a valve in his heart that has a hole in it. All little babies have it but they close off before delivery but where Blaze is so little his is not closed off but it is pumping blood into his lungs. So they can close it off with medication but he is so fragile the Dr does not think it will work and Surgery will be the only way to go.
So this morning we went to see him and he seemed to be doing pretty good but the Nurse Practitioner and Dr wanted to meet with us so we knew it might not be a good thing. We had to leave Ray had school and told them we would be back in the afternoon. About 2:30 we got a call from the Nurse saying they needed to meet with us. I told her we were on our way and she asked if I knew Blaze had been having seizures... I broke down we had no idea! I was ticked that she told me over the phone but she didn't know that we had not been informed. So we quickly drove to the hospital the Doc and Nurse P met us there they let us know that Blaze had been having seizures quite frequently and that his PDA was needing attention as soon as he could have surgery they said it would be best. So they asked our permission to have him transfered to Primary Childrens. We gave our consent and 45 minutes later he was being Life Flighted. It was all a whirlwind to be honest as soon as Life Flight got there I was crying (always) I just don't know how much more trauma we can handle our poor little boy! One of the LF nurses was aweful I wanted to punch her in the face! Anyway to make a long story short Blaze is now at Primary Childrens no longer at IMC and we miss it terribly! Ray wanted to go with him in the helecopter but they don't allow it... I wish he would have seeing the helecopter take off was one of the hardest things knowing that our little boy was in there and we weren't I also HATE flying and Life Flight has always been one of my biggest fears so when they took our little boy I was so scared for him!
He made it and we went to see him ASAP we are not impressed with the circumstances of his room he shares it with 6 other babies which makes it hard to be personal with him and just to be with him in general but that does not really matter. He had such a hard time stabelizing it took him hours and when we left tonight at 9 he still was not doing very good but better than when he first got there. They had his ventalator on 100% but tonight it was down to 50% it is really hard on his lungs so we hope they can get him off of it fast. We met with the Dr he was awesome so good to answer all of our ?s and concerns.... he was the bearer of news we don't really want to hear just that we need to be aware of. Blaze has severe bleeding on his brain... it is not getting better but he has only been with us for a week and his little body is working on so many other things it has not been able to focus on that. He talked to us about quality of life and they are never there to tell us what that is but as a couple we need to decide what that is. It is so hard for us we Love Blaze more than anything in this world and want him to have a good life so we have to decide what we feel is best for him... we have been crying for hours our hearts are so full and we want to do what is right for him. He is such a miracle in our lives! In just one week he has changed our lives forever. We are so tired and so emotionally drained it is time to call it a day. We are grateful for the many prayers and calls and blessings we have recieved in the past 2 weeks we feel so loved.
The hardest thing is wanting to hold him. Ray and I were talking tonight about how if we could just hold him and tell him how much we love him and it will be ok... then the thought occured to me that is how Heavenly Father must feel... if he could just hold us and tell us he loves us and it will be ok.... this is the hardest thing we have ever had to endure and hope to have the faith and courage to make it thru!