Tender Hearted

Last night we went here... who can beat $2.00 admission

We went to see a little of this BULL RIDING... nothing beats a good rodeo

We also saw this... a lonely Elderly Man...

He came up the stairs of the band stands (we were at the very top) he kindly asked the people in front of us if all the seats in their row were taken they said yes.. and he started searching for a seat again.. I as well started searching for seats for him... there were a few behind us. He quietly and kindly sat down by himself to watch the rest of the rodeo. I kept looking at him my heart breaking for him he must have been so lonely. I leaned over to Ray and said life is harsh sometimes... I wondered what this sweet little old man has lived to see and what heart break he has faced. The older I get the more I realize how tender my heart is... I felt so bad for him. People shouldn't have to feel lonely especially the elderly it breaks my heart!

Then this morning I stopped at the gas station on the way to work and a little elderly man who could barely walk had to get out of his car and go in to pay for his gas... he could barely walk.. and because some punks steal gas he has to prepay... so it took him forever to get into pay I offered my help and the gas attendant had already offered... I was on the phone with my sister and broke into tears which made her break into tears... my heart breaks for the elderly, the down trodden, the lonely, and broken hearted. Why does life have to be so harsh sometimes?

I feel like the Lord is trying to teach me a lesson allowing me to see those who need a little help or a freindly face.. I hope we all can reach out to those who need a little help, a seat to sit in, a hand to help at the pump, and a smile to help them along the way. I am an overly emotional person anyway but I would never change the way I feel it helps me to Love a little deeper even if it causes tears I am grateful for the ability to love and to care.

Balloons for Blaze

Blazes due date was this last Saturday August 29th... a day I have been dreading for months... so many days in August I have wondered if I would make it till the end but we did... and I am grateful. We went home for the weekend to help Ash with her booth at the fair and to spend time with our family. We spend the weekend before with Rays family we are so blessed to both have amazing families and to have been so busy the month of August I am grateful!
On Saturday morning we drove out to Howell it doesn't take long for the emotions to roll in each time we drive there thinking back over the events that have happened in our lives over the last 3 months.... tears come easy as they did on Saturday. We went to Blazes grave and just talked about how different our lives are now and how different they might have been. We stood at our little boys graveside for a while... we bought some ballons to release and some to leave with him... releasing them was so much harder than I thought... I couldn't bring myself to let go thinking that I was letting go of so much more than just ballons... all the anguish in my heart. It took me a long time but when I felt the time was right I let them go. We tied them together so they would not be apart... like our family I guess gratefully I am tied to Ray and he will help me make it back to Blaze. I feel a lot better than I have maybe I needed to just turn over what I can't control to the Savior and I feel like a big part of me did when we released the ballons for Blaze. We miss him EVERYDAY and can't wait to see him again!

Blazes Grave Marker in Howell. Ray picked out the Orange Balloon (his favorite color and I'm sure it would have been Blazes too) The Flowers were from my Grandma Huff she gave them to us the day of his service and they are still going strong. The Bear is from Rays Aunt Echo she is so sweet and we wanted Blaze to have it by him.

My Handsome husband talking to out son... he is the worlds best Dad! I am so grateful for him!

Me not wanting to let go of the balloons... and Ray waiting patiently for me to have the courage to do so... Oh my heavens for me there are so many emotions tied to this picture I miss our little boy more than words can express!

The releasing of the balloons... the sky is cloudy and I remember thinking that morning... the weather reflects just how my heart felt. WE LOVE YOU BLAZE and MISS YOU Every Single Day!

My Uncle Dirk, Uncle Byron, and Ray gave me a blessing on Saturday night that I really needed I am so grateful for the preisthood power... I am grateful for the knowlege that God is aware of all we are going thru and I am grateful to know that Blaze is safely in his loving arms just waiting for us to make it back to him. Ray also had a blessing that reassured me God loves us for that I am grateful!

One Day You Will

Ray took me to the Kenny Chesney concert on July 23rd it was AMAZING! We were 26 rows from the stage and it was seriously so AWESOME! Here is Kenny supporting the U! He played for an extra hour because Sugarland couldn't make it again AMAZING!!
This is our new favorite band LADY ANTEBELLUM they were awesome! So good that we bought their CD on Friday and we LOVE IT!! You can see how incredibly close we are to the stage THANK YOU HONEY worth every penny!

Miranda Lambert came too but she was way too woman rule everything for me... way too much woman power we have pics but I didn't post them... we liked Lady A and Kenny much better!

So since we purchased thier new CD we have listened to it a dozen times. We were cooking up some goodies for weekend family events on Friday night with their CD playing... when the last track came on we stopped dead in our tracks... it is exactly how we feel now... what we are going thru... the only place I could find the song was on Youtube... so you don't have to watch the video but you can listen to the song its called on day you will... it is exactly how we feel.

Here it the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wB_rRIWoGAA

also here are the Lyrics.. THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO LOVES US AND ARE HELPING US GET THRU THIS EXTREEMLY HARD TIME IN OUR LIVES WE LOVE YOU!!

One day you will Lyrics

You feel like you're falling backwards

Like you're slippin' through the cracks

Like no one would even notice

If you left this town and never came back

You walk outside and all you see is rain

You look inside and all you feel is pain

And you can't see it now

[Chorus]

But down the road the sun is shining

In every cloud there's a silver lining

Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)

And every heartache makes you stronger

But it won't be much longer

You'll find love, you'll find peace

And the you you're meant to be

I know right now that's not the way you feel

But one day you will

You wake up every morning

and ask yourself What am I doing here anyway

With the weight of all those disappointments

Whispering in your ear

You're just barely hanging by a thread

You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath

And you don't know it yet

[Chorus]
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

Find the strength to rise above

You will Find just what you're made of, you're made of

[Chorus]
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

One day you will

Oh one day you will

Just One More Day

I love reading about other peoples stories... how they got to where they are now.. what events in life have changed or shaped them. We have been watching a few of my cousins the last few days while my Aunt Patti and Uncle Dirk went on Trek with their stake. They came home last night and I could feel the spirit they carried and see it in their eyes that they had just had a life changing experience. They shared some sacred and inspiring experiences which made me have a new found gratitude for those who have gone before. Little did I know how it would bless my life now...
I have been having a really hard time and am struggling a bit with depression so last night as Ray and I knelt down to pray I spilled all of this lifes heartaches out to him the things I feel and my most inner struggles and heartaches. I let a lot of it out and then he asked me to say our family prayers... I said "I don't want to pray or have anything to do with religion right now" he very lovingly said "Will you please be the one to pray and let Heavenly Father know all you are feeling" I reluctantly did so... it was one of the most humbling and one of the hardest things to face telling God all that I feel and I don't think I have the faith to make it, I can't do it on my own... and as we were kneeling there both in tears. I felt such a gratitude for those who have gone before... those who sacrificed ALL they had because the loved God more than the trails they were going Thur they loved him more than anything life could throw at them, they loved him more than most may understand... I am so Grateful for those who went before I am grateful for the legacy they have left for us to follow and most of all I am grateful for their Faith to keep going when they maybe didn't want to but they did because they had to... I feel much like that I only keep moving because I have to and pray for the faith to make it... just one more day just as they did... I am grateful that because of their faith mine in strengthened.

Uncomfortable

I know that it seems I only post when things are hard but it is my way of getting it out and hopefully helping us heal. We have had quite a few good days we went to the Kenny Chesney concert last Thursday it was AMAZING we were down by the stage and it was AWESOME I have the BEST husband in the world! We had a good weekend we swam a lot and played a lot our Blazer broke down hauling a wave runner up Parleys canyon. So we had it towed and the mechanic won't be in till tomorrow to look at it so it didn't seem like a big deal we have another car... well last night we went for a drive up the canyon and our car started overheating and today I barely made it home it was overheating so bad... to make a long story short both of our cars need some work... we have both had a very hard day the saying "when it rains it pours" seems to be true at the moment for us. I will post pics of our recent doings soon but tonight I need to vent a little...

I have had a hard day! As I read back thru our experience in the hospital I remember having very hard days wondering if I could make it long enough to give Blaze a fighting chance... I wondered if emotionally I could take it anymore... and I said those were among some of the hardest days of my life... and they were and we are still living some really hard days.

I have felt that a lot of people are uncomfortable around me... for good reason I used to be uncomfortable around those who had suffered such a loss. And not knowing what to say I thought it was better not to say anything at all. Now being on the other side it is just as uncomfortable if not more so. I know you don't know what to say but neither do I... I know that nothing you can say will make the pain any less or the healing any easier. I know that it is uncomfortable for you because you have never been where we are and if you have been you know the heartache that comes with such a loss. But it is uncomfortable for me too... It is hard for me to see your new baby or the one your about to have... it is hard for me to see your life and not be jealous that everything is going ok for you. It is not just uncomfortable for you but it is for me too. I am sorry if I make it hard to be approachable I don't mean to. The truth of the matter is I am dying inside... not one moment goes by that I don't want to have our little boy back to be pregnant and to carry on with life as it should be. But we don't have that luxury I know that we have something to look forward to in the life after this one but that does not make it any easier to carry this burden now.

I think it is getting a little better but then I slip back into this reality I am not so much angry as I am hurt. Please understand that I use this blog to let out my hearts deepest thoughts and as a way to express what I feel not to be mean or harsh just to help me better understand and remember where I am where I have been and where I hopefully have come from.
My heart is so heavy... some days life seems to be ok and others it just hurts.
Until the next post thanks for reading and for caring
Much Love!

Rewind

Do you ever wish you could just rewind your life and make everything better? I am having one of those moments I wish I could rewind my life a few months back I would try and make the outcome a little different than it is now... I would try a little harder to hold Blaze in and I would never have let them Life Flight him to Primarys... I think there are a few things I would do differently but all I can do is wish since there is no real way to turn back time... if only I had the chance to rewind. And if only I could understand just a little here's to hope!

Two Months & Love

Today marks 2 months since we had Blaze. I can't believe how quickly (looking back) the time has gone. Each day we still miss him and pray that Heavenly Father will tell him we love him and are grateful he came to our family. Also each day seems to bring a new resolution to make it thru a little better than we did the day before to be a little kinder and have a little more faith that the man upstairs knows what he is doing. Ray has been so much better at the faith part than I have and I am grateful that marriage is created the way that it is when one is weak the other is strong. I am grateful for his strength to hold my up when I feel to weak to do it on my own I am grateful for his Faith in God and in his plan and I am grateful to have him as my eternal companion I could not make it without him!

So many emotions are still worn on my sleeve I am ok most of the time but I still get the tear filled eyes when asked how I am doing because I feel my heart break a little knowing they genuinly care and am grateful to be loved just the same if I burst into tears. I always told Ray I must have stood in the love line too many times in heaven but there can never be too much love and I am grateful that Blaze has brought more of that into our lives that I ever knew was possible. We Love you Blaze!

Last night my Bishop from my Singles ward years ago called me. Bishop Innes who is now President Innes. This man has done remakable things in my life and I will always be so grateful for the opportunity I have of knowing and loving him. He was the reason I went on my mission and the reason I stayed on my mission and my life has been blessed everyday for it. He had heard of our loss and wanted to send his condolences. He said a phrase that stuck he said " As hard as it is and has been I bet you have seen the Love of the Lord thru people in a way you never exspected" It is true I have and am amazed at the out pouring of love for our family thru Blazes birth and Death so I wanted so say a just few thank yous.

I want to do a little shout out to a few people who I am so grateful for knowing there are way too many to mention I may just start shout out highlights for the blessings in my life.

First shout out to my Aunt Tammy. She is an AMAZING woman who I have seen shine thru so much for us in the last few months. She gives with her whole heart! She never hesitates to serve those she loves and would give anything to make you feel loved. I wish I could show her my heart I love her more than she will ever know I am greatful for her wisdom and feel a closeness with her that I can't describe like we are sisters. I am grateful for her understanding as we face this trial in our lifes I don't know why but I feel like she understands the pain we are going thru and can empathize with me. I love you Aunt Tammy

Next Shout out is Rays Aunt Leslee what a remarkable woman! I don't know much about he life other that she has faced very hard things and is an amazing example of faith and endurance. I have been blessed to feel a closeness to her and am grateful that she asks how I am doing knowing that on the outside I am ok but the inside I am hurt. She always says "how are you doing really" She is genuine and I am greatful for her in my life! She is a tremendous woman of faith! Thank you Aunt Leslee for loving me for me and for caring so much about us! I love You!

Last shoutout but not the least is my Sister. She is my best friend and can tell me I'm crazy and I still love her just the same. She is the best Mom and Wife on the planet and even though she is younger than me I look up to her in so many ways. She has been such a great strength to me all of my adult life. She is faithful and full of love, she is Beautiful and strong. She is so many things I hope to be and the best sister and friend I could ever ask for. She understands and loves me for me which is the greatest blessing of all. I am grateful that I have her to help me make it thru when times get tough and when times are good! I love you Sis!

I am so grateful that God gives me the things I need thru the people that I love. Honestly this experiece would be unbearable without the love of family and friends. So a shout out to all who love and express their concern and pray for us and ALL you have done for our little family in these last 2 months we are so grateful. I hope to live each day so Blaze can say from the other side "thats my Mommy she's awesome!" That is what I live for now.. to make it to Blaze and to tell him Thank You and I love him in person. I hope to be a little better each day!

WE LOVE YOU!