Blazes 3rd Birthday

I can't believe it has been 3 years since our sweet little Angel entered our lives. We have been so blessed to have had him for a week on this earth and know that he is waiting for us on the other side. We have extra incentive to try that much harder knowing that him being in our family forever depends on it. One of my good friends lost her little boy just a month before we lost our sweet Blaze and when I was talking to her about how to cope with such a hard thing she said " Heavenly Father needed our angels and he loves us enough to know that we can make it back to them... not everyone gets the opportunity to have an angel waiting for them" A lot of time and A lot of perspective have helped me to understand this is true... he gave us Blaze for one week but we can have him for eternity. Looking back I can't believe it has been 3 years since the hardest trial of our lives began, words can't describe that first day, first week, first month, or first year but I think about it every day wondering how I could have handled it better, if I did all I could, if our little Blaze knows how much we love him and miss him. I thought I would literally die myself because of the heartache. Luckily I have an amazing family and great friends and most of all the best husband ever who carried me when I could not do it on my own. I also feel like we faced this trial because I needed to understand the Atonement of Christ more personally in my life... when it was the hardest I remember feeling the Savior and the power of the Atonement knowing that despite all I had been through I was not alone he had been there too... someone once told me "Heavenly Father lost his son too." Through my anger and broken heart I came to understand there is no one who knows better than Heavenly Father does how I was feeling... so here we are 3 years later, still missing our little Blaze but I know he is with our Savior and I know that heaven needs little angels too... so to my sweet Blaze Happee Birthday Sweetheart! We wish you were here to celebrate with us, we wish we could watch you grow, and learn, and be part of our family on this earth. But since we can't do those things we will send balloons to heaven and thank Heavenly Father that you are part of our family every single day! We Love You, We miss You, and we can't wait to sweep you in our arms and never have to say goodbye or let go again. I also need to tell you that last week while I was packing up some things for our move Grayson found your tote with all your things in it and inside was your Tractor from Grandpa Nessen he saw it and went bbbbbbrrrrrr like the tractor noise I said to him "that's Blazes tractor" He pointed up and gave me the biggest smile... he knows who you are and loves you so much! So I hope you don't mind but I let him play with your tractor and he LOVED it.. he drove it up and down the hall. When I hear him have sad dreams I often think it is because the veil is closing for him and he knows your time together is short. He prays for you every night with Mommy and Daddy and loves you so much. So from your brother Grayson Happee Birthday big brother! Happee Birthday Baby! WE LOVE YOU!

Graduation We Made It!

HE DID IT!!! It has been a long road and looking back worth every struggle, every minute writing papers, studying for tests, and all the sacrifice. We are SO PROUD of Ray and his accomplishment of Graduating from the University of Utah (GO UTES!!) Way to go my handsome Chemical Engineer all of your hard work has paid off WE LOVE YOU!

Waiting with all the Chemical Engineers to graduate... Wooo Hooo!

Congrats graduate (Huge understatement

Our little family

Rays parents always so good to support us!

WAY TO GO DADDY! (Aunt Ashee did his hair)

Ash and Kenna filled Graysons room with balloons full of money for his congrats... he had so much fun popping them all... who wouldn't when there is money in all of them. Huge thanks to my Sister for helping me ALL DAY love her!

Ray the little stinker gave a touching speech thanking everyone for their love and support in helping him graduate then he surprised me with an 'endless love' necklace for loving him though it and being his sugar momma LOVE YOU BABE!

Playing at the BBQ

My handsome cousin Brodie

My Wonderful Parents I love them so much!

Tyrel and Tristan cooking up some Burgers

Cookie what cookie? We had a great time celebrating Huge thanks to everyone who came to celebrate with us and for all the gifts and help bringing food. BLESSED is the best word to describe how we feel when it comes to family and friends we have been more BLESSED than we could ever imagine. Huge thanks to everyone for all of your love and support WE LOVE YOU!! WAY TO GO RAY what an accomplishment, you are amazing for sticking it out and following your dreams although other paths seemed easier you have become what you wanted to be when you 'grew up' and we are so proud of you! Now onto Proctor & Gamble and more life adventures that await us :)

Easter 2012

WE LOVE EASTER!!!! We always go up to my Grandpas farm and have an easter egg hunt on his hill, eat lots of food, and play all day with people we love! What could be better than that...I say nothing! Grayson had so much fun getting eggs and putting them in his basket! Being his parents is the BEST! It is so fun to watch him learn new things! Me & Grayson getting eggs he was in heaven!Easter Morning the bunny found us! Ashs cute family on Easter Morning thanks sis for letting us stay with you! Don't they look so good! Have you ever seen a cutter baby? This is Skyden and it was also his blessing day yesterday... he was smiling at his mommy in this picture he loves her! He is so loveable! We are so glad he is part of our family!! My brothers and sis! I am so blessed to have these 3 in my life! I could not have asked for better siblings they are seriously THE BEST! with our spouses! Life is so good! The sun is shining, we love Easter and have the greatest family we are so blessed!

The Big 30, Beautiful Moab, and Running for Blaze

Holy cow! How can I ever say caught up on the happenings of our life... we really are pretty boring but when it comes it is busy!!
So Ray turned 30 on the 13th! I made sure he had a whole day of celebrations!
We took him to IHOP for breakfast, to the Dr. to hear our babies heart beat, we went to see him for lunch and I made him a jar of 30 suckers and balloons saying '30 sucks' he loved it (thank you Pinterest) then when he came home I had the whole house decorated, I made him a first 30 year scrapbook (what a project...worth every minute) he LOVES it he cries every time he looks at it. I fell so much more in love with him making it too! He is the BEST! Then we had a birthday party with some of our friends and he got his final present which was tandem hang gliding lessons... when we are rich I will get him his license. It was such a fun day to ring in his next 30 years! getting ready to help Daddy blow out his candles (there were too many candles to add so we just pretended) Opening his Paragliding package. HAPPEE 30 Years honey! We Love you and can't wait to celebrate the next 30!

We then headed off to Moab for our 3rd annual run for our little Angel Blaze! We rented a rockin condo... that we were worried was going to be too small and it was great! We played in the sand, went hiking, and ran a race. The weather was absolutly beautiful and we took full advantage! Race day was windy but at least it wasn't snowing right. Thank you everyone who came in person and in spirit to support us in running for Blaze. This is just one of the ways we do our best to remember him and share in our ways of loving him! Tyrel & Elenas Family so cute! I LOVE THIS PICTURE!! The Gang minus Step :)
A great big thanks to the gang! JL you are the BEST friend my hubby could ever ask for! Tyrel, Tristan, & Keslin, thank you for being such great uncles to our little boy and sacraficing so much to run for him. Elena you are inspiring to me! Thank you for always loving and supporting us in all we do for Blaze. Heidi you are such a great friend! Thank you for training with me and for letting me get you into crazy things i am sorry for the pain but so grateful that you came with me! Steph... Thank you for your sacrifice, seeing you cross the finish line and all of your hard work is just how my heart feels sometimes it takes an insane amount of effort to carry on but we do and we make it just like you did! Ray you are my HERO! You are the BEST daddy our boys could ever have! Thanks for always pushing through and working so hard to train and run!
We love all of you! Thank you so much for running and remembering out little angel we love you Blaze!

Birthday Boy

This is so long overdue it's embarassing but better late than never. This is just how I work sometimes ha ha This little boy turned 1!!!!
I can't even believe I have a one year old! He is SO FUN!! We were all sick on his actual birthday so we had some cupcakes and played a little with our cousins Logan and Silas but for the most part we kept it very low key. So when he was feeling better we had these pics taken... eat your heart out. He loves Football already which I feel great about because it is my favorite 'boy' sport. And just like his Daddy he sticks his tongue out when he is concentrating really hard. This is one of my very favorites. He doesn't want to miss a thing going on around him. See I told you eat your heart out!
This has been one of the funnest years of my life. It is so fun to watch Grayson grow and learn new things. So just a little all about Grayson sharing time.
He Loves to scream when he is excited or thinks something is funny
He is such a good sleeper all through the night since he was born (we are so lucky)
He LOVES and I mean LOVES his bottle... that's going to be a hard habit to break
He says Hi, Da Da, Ma Ma, Cracker (Daa Da) but he knows what it means, and Dexter same way as cracker but he knows just what he is saying.
He Loves trucks, tractors, cars anything that he can go brrrrr to... so cute!
At his one year check up he was 21lbs 9oz and 31 Inches 85% for Height and 30% for weight. He must get his height from his grandpas because he doesn't get it from us.
He loves to help me unload the dishwasher... he hands me every utensil one by one until they are all put away (I love this)
He is a jabber box constantly talking we love it (for now ha ha)
He is fascinated with the Washer and Dryer every time I do a load he has to see the water going in and will come back several times have me lift him up to check on it.
He is 100% Boy and we LOVE it!
He is absolutely the love of our lives we are so grateful to have him in our family! Thank Heaven for little boys!! We love you Grayson!

Mommy Sorrows and Angel Loves

I have a lot of posting to catch up on however it will have to wait... Other than Grayson turned 1 and we get his pictures taken next week so I will post all about his birthday... I know it is very late but we have been so sick that we have just been home. All better now and celebrations coming soon

I have been thinking a lot about Blaze lately... as time goes by the memories of him seem to keep fading and I don't like it very much. No memory of the week he was here will ever fade from my memory I remember it like it was yesterday but the feelings of holding him, kissing him, and remembering every detail of what he looked like are not as close as they once were. The last few nights I have laid in bed thinking about this sweet little angel of ours, does he know how much we love him? Does he know how much he is a part of our family even though he is not here physically? I often find myself wondering if he and Grayson would look alike? Would they play together? Laugh together? Fight over toys ha ha. Every night when I lay Grayson down to sleep I kiss him and tell him how much I love him and then I say "tell your brother how much Mommy loves and misses him and if you can give him a big hug for me" Maybe this is why I think about him so much as I try to fall asleep.

I feel like the adversary has a hold on me.. I don't allow him to let me think I am not skinny enough, pretty enough, talented enough, or good enough however I have allowed him to creep into my not being Mommy enough... Ray and I had to make the hardest decisions of our life the week that we had Blaze. We had to decide to life flight him for heart surgery (knowing that once he was taken he would not make it but hoping the surgery would help all of the other complications as advised by doctors) So many decisions and so many doubts... did we do the right thing allowing our little angel to return to heaven? I pray for peace about it, I continue to pray for understanding, and I pray that when I get to see Blaze again that we did make the right decisions, and that he won't look at me and say "why did you give up on me Mom?? Why??" My heart is wrenched with the pain of having to send our angel back to heaven hoping that is where he was needed most. When we held our angel in our arms for the last time on this earth and waited for heaven to take him back the peace was indescribable. I never have felt such peace or clarity in my life however as time passes my understanding becomes clogged with doubts and regrets. Me heart longs for the peace of knowing we did what Heavenly Father needed and at the same time it longs to have that week back to spend time with my sweet angel and give him enough love to last until we can be with him again.

So to Blaze I love you peanut. Not a day passes that I hope you don't feel me thinking about you and sending you love. We are so blessed to have you in our family and Mommy can't wait for the day I can wrap you in my arms and never have to let go. Give Malia a great big hug from her favorite Aunt Janet have her give you one for Mommy too, and tell Aunt ManDee that we love her and miss her so much. I know you are with family there too but we miss you so much here. I look at your picture of the Savior each night before bed and hope he is holding you until Mommy can. I will always Love you!!
Love Mommy

Wrapping up 2011

We had a GREAT holiday break! I love CHRISTMAS time it is the best... this year was even better because we had all of our shopping done early, and the perfect gifts for everyone.. that is such a good feeling to know what to get the people you love the most and know they will love it. We had great family parties, tons of food, lots of laughter, and an abundance of Love! We Three Kings trumpeting... Loved it! the boys playing fun games Aunt Elena brought she is so much fun! Uncle Kirk (not mad just pretending) and Auntie T cookin up some Shrimp for our Christmas Eve tradition MMM! Grayson on Christmas morning chewing on my new photo boxes silly boy love him! Waiting to open presents... look at that darling belly can't even wait to meet him/her our love has already sprung for that little peanut! My Dad made all the grand daughters these darling cribs for their babies they were a huge hit to say the least SO CUTE!
Needless to say we had a WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS!! There is nothing better than being with those you love the most in the whole world and feeling the spirit of Christmas.

In other news... Grayson got his first haircut... and he loved the buzzers they almost put him to sleep it was so funny to watch.. he would be almost out and then remember he wanted to watch the buzzers and pop his little eyes open so he could see what was happening. He also loves to have Laundry basket rides up and down Aunt Ashs hall way :) a serious workout might I add! He is seriously the funnest little boy! WE LOVE being his parents!
We went to Idaho for New Years and had a great time relaxing, crafting, playing games, and just being together more pics of that to come soon.