Mommy Sorrows and Angel Loves

I have a lot of posting to catch up on however it will have to wait... Other than Grayson turned 1 and we get his pictures taken next week so I will post all about his birthday... I know it is very late but we have been so sick that we have just been home. All better now and celebrations coming soon

I have been thinking a lot about Blaze lately... as time goes by the memories of him seem to keep fading and I don't like it very much. No memory of the week he was here will ever fade from my memory I remember it like it was yesterday but the feelings of holding him, kissing him, and remembering every detail of what he looked like are not as close as they once were. The last few nights I have laid in bed thinking about this sweet little angel of ours, does he know how much we love him? Does he know how much he is a part of our family even though he is not here physically? I often find myself wondering if he and Grayson would look alike? Would they play together? Laugh together? Fight over toys ha ha. Every night when I lay Grayson down to sleep I kiss him and tell him how much I love him and then I say "tell your brother how much Mommy loves and misses him and if you can give him a big hug for me" Maybe this is why I think about him so much as I try to fall asleep.

I feel like the adversary has a hold on me.. I don't allow him to let me think I am not skinny enough, pretty enough, talented enough, or good enough however I have allowed him to creep into my not being Mommy enough... Ray and I had to make the hardest decisions of our life the week that we had Blaze. We had to decide to life flight him for heart surgery (knowing that once he was taken he would not make it but hoping the surgery would help all of the other complications as advised by doctors) So many decisions and so many doubts... did we do the right thing allowing our little angel to return to heaven? I pray for peace about it, I continue to pray for understanding, and I pray that when I get to see Blaze again that we did make the right decisions, and that he won't look at me and say "why did you give up on me Mom?? Why??" My heart is wrenched with the pain of having to send our angel back to heaven hoping that is where he was needed most. When we held our angel in our arms for the last time on this earth and waited for heaven to take him back the peace was indescribable. I never have felt such peace or clarity in my life however as time passes my understanding becomes clogged with doubts and regrets. Me heart longs for the peace of knowing we did what Heavenly Father needed and at the same time it longs to have that week back to spend time with my sweet angel and give him enough love to last until we can be with him again.

So to Blaze I love you peanut. Not a day passes that I hope you don't feel me thinking about you and sending you love. We are so blessed to have you in our family and Mommy can't wait for the day I can wrap you in my arms and never have to let go. Give Malia a great big hug from her favorite Aunt Janet have her give you one for Mommy too, and tell Aunt ManDee that we love her and miss her so much. I know you are with family there too but we miss you so much here. I look at your picture of the Savior each night before bed and hope he is holding you until Mommy can. I will always Love you!!
Love Mommy