The Big 30, Beautiful Moab, and Running for Blaze

Holy cow! How can I ever say caught up on the happenings of our life... we really are pretty boring but when it comes it is busy!!
So Ray turned 30 on the 13th! I made sure he had a whole day of celebrations!
We took him to IHOP for breakfast, to the Dr. to hear our babies heart beat, we went to see him for lunch and I made him a jar of 30 suckers and balloons saying '30 sucks' he loved it (thank you Pinterest) then when he came home I had the whole house decorated, I made him a first 30 year scrapbook (what a project...worth every minute) he LOVES it he cries every time he looks at it. I fell so much more in love with him making it too! He is the BEST! Then we had a birthday party with some of our friends and he got his final present which was tandem hang gliding lessons... when we are rich I will get him his license. It was such a fun day to ring in his next 30 years! getting ready to help Daddy blow out his candles (there were too many candles to add so we just pretended) Opening his Paragliding package. HAPPEE 30 Years honey! We Love you and can't wait to celebrate the next 30!

We then headed off to Moab for our 3rd annual run for our little Angel Blaze! We rented a rockin condo... that we were worried was going to be too small and it was great! We played in the sand, went hiking, and ran a race. The weather was absolutly beautiful and we took full advantage! Race day was windy but at least it wasn't snowing right. Thank you everyone who came in person and in spirit to support us in running for Blaze. This is just one of the ways we do our best to remember him and share in our ways of loving him! Tyrel & Elenas Family so cute! I LOVE THIS PICTURE!! The Gang minus Step :)
A great big thanks to the gang! JL you are the BEST friend my hubby could ever ask for! Tyrel, Tristan, & Keslin, thank you for being such great uncles to our little boy and sacraficing so much to run for him. Elena you are inspiring to me! Thank you for always loving and supporting us in all we do for Blaze. Heidi you are such a great friend! Thank you for training with me and for letting me get you into crazy things i am sorry for the pain but so grateful that you came with me! Steph... Thank you for your sacrifice, seeing you cross the finish line and all of your hard work is just how my heart feels sometimes it takes an insane amount of effort to carry on but we do and we make it just like you did! Ray you are my HERO! You are the BEST daddy our boys could ever have! Thanks for always pushing through and working so hard to train and run!
We love all of you! Thank you so much for running and remembering out little angel we love you Blaze!

Birthday Boy

This is so long overdue it's embarassing but better late than never. This is just how I work sometimes ha ha This little boy turned 1!!!!
I can't even believe I have a one year old! He is SO FUN!! We were all sick on his actual birthday so we had some cupcakes and played a little with our cousins Logan and Silas but for the most part we kept it very low key. So when he was feeling better we had these pics taken... eat your heart out. He loves Football already which I feel great about because it is my favorite 'boy' sport. And just like his Daddy he sticks his tongue out when he is concentrating really hard. This is one of my very favorites. He doesn't want to miss a thing going on around him. See I told you eat your heart out!
This has been one of the funnest years of my life. It is so fun to watch Grayson grow and learn new things. So just a little all about Grayson sharing time.
He Loves to scream when he is excited or thinks something is funny
He is such a good sleeper all through the night since he was born (we are so lucky)
He LOVES and I mean LOVES his bottle... that's going to be a hard habit to break
He says Hi, Da Da, Ma Ma, Cracker (Daa Da) but he knows what it means, and Dexter same way as cracker but he knows just what he is saying.
He Loves trucks, tractors, cars anything that he can go brrrrr to... so cute!
At his one year check up he was 21lbs 9oz and 31 Inches 85% for Height and 30% for weight. He must get his height from his grandpas because he doesn't get it from us.
He loves to help me unload the dishwasher... he hands me every utensil one by one until they are all put away (I love this)
He is a jabber box constantly talking we love it (for now ha ha)
He is fascinated with the Washer and Dryer every time I do a load he has to see the water going in and will come back several times have me lift him up to check on it.
He is 100% Boy and we LOVE it!
He is absolutely the love of our lives we are so grateful to have him in our family! Thank Heaven for little boys!! We love you Grayson!

Mommy Sorrows and Angel Loves

I have a lot of posting to catch up on however it will have to wait... Other than Grayson turned 1 and we get his pictures taken next week so I will post all about his birthday... I know it is very late but we have been so sick that we have just been home. All better now and celebrations coming soon

I have been thinking a lot about Blaze lately... as time goes by the memories of him seem to keep fading and I don't like it very much. No memory of the week he was here will ever fade from my memory I remember it like it was yesterday but the feelings of holding him, kissing him, and remembering every detail of what he looked like are not as close as they once were. The last few nights I have laid in bed thinking about this sweet little angel of ours, does he know how much we love him? Does he know how much he is a part of our family even though he is not here physically? I often find myself wondering if he and Grayson would look alike? Would they play together? Laugh together? Fight over toys ha ha. Every night when I lay Grayson down to sleep I kiss him and tell him how much I love him and then I say "tell your brother how much Mommy loves and misses him and if you can give him a big hug for me" Maybe this is why I think about him so much as I try to fall asleep.

I feel like the adversary has a hold on me.. I don't allow him to let me think I am not skinny enough, pretty enough, talented enough, or good enough however I have allowed him to creep into my not being Mommy enough... Ray and I had to make the hardest decisions of our life the week that we had Blaze. We had to decide to life flight him for heart surgery (knowing that once he was taken he would not make it but hoping the surgery would help all of the other complications as advised by doctors) So many decisions and so many doubts... did we do the right thing allowing our little angel to return to heaven? I pray for peace about it, I continue to pray for understanding, and I pray that when I get to see Blaze again that we did make the right decisions, and that he won't look at me and say "why did you give up on me Mom?? Why??" My heart is wrenched with the pain of having to send our angel back to heaven hoping that is where he was needed most. When we held our angel in our arms for the last time on this earth and waited for heaven to take him back the peace was indescribable. I never have felt such peace or clarity in my life however as time passes my understanding becomes clogged with doubts and regrets. Me heart longs for the peace of knowing we did what Heavenly Father needed and at the same time it longs to have that week back to spend time with my sweet angel and give him enough love to last until we can be with him again.

So to Blaze I love you peanut. Not a day passes that I hope you don't feel me thinking about you and sending you love. We are so blessed to have you in our family and Mommy can't wait for the day I can wrap you in my arms and never have to let go. Give Malia a great big hug from her favorite Aunt Janet have her give you one for Mommy too, and tell Aunt ManDee that we love her and miss her so much. I know you are with family there too but we miss you so much here. I look at your picture of the Savior each night before bed and hope he is holding you until Mommy can. I will always Love you!!
Love Mommy

Wrapping up 2011

We had a GREAT holiday break! I love CHRISTMAS time it is the best... this year was even better because we had all of our shopping done early, and the perfect gifts for everyone.. that is such a good feeling to know what to get the people you love the most and know they will love it. We had great family parties, tons of food, lots of laughter, and an abundance of Love! We Three Kings trumpeting... Loved it! the boys playing fun games Aunt Elena brought she is so much fun! Uncle Kirk (not mad just pretending) and Auntie T cookin up some Shrimp for our Christmas Eve tradition MMM! Grayson on Christmas morning chewing on my new photo boxes silly boy love him! Waiting to open presents... look at that darling belly can't even wait to meet him/her our love has already sprung for that little peanut! My Dad made all the grand daughters these darling cribs for their babies they were a huge hit to say the least SO CUTE!
Needless to say we had a WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS!! There is nothing better than being with those you love the most in the whole world and feeling the spirit of Christmas.

In other news... Grayson got his first haircut... and he loved the buzzers they almost put him to sleep it was so funny to watch.. he would be almost out and then remember he wanted to watch the buzzers and pop his little eyes open so he could see what was happening. He also loves to have Laundry basket rides up and down Aunt Ashs hall way :) a serious workout might I add! He is seriously the funnest little boy! WE LOVE being his parents!
We went to Idaho for New Years and had a great time relaxing, crafting, playing games, and just being together more pics of that to come soon.

Time for an upgrade

I hate to admit it but Grayson is growing like a weed... It was time to upgrade the car seat and take a walk down memory lane... His first ride in the car seat.. so little Taken today 12/14/11 Maximum Capacity as Aunt Ashleigh would say
and his new Big Boy car seat he is in HEAVEN in this thing ha ha. It is so fun to watch him grow and learn new things and so hard at the same time we feel blessed to have him and certainly LOVE HIM!!

Heavens Angels

We signed up to run a 10K for Blaze in Moab. The first 100 to sign up got an automatic entry into the Moab 1/2 Marathon in the spring and we want to run that again. So on Friday we headed for Moab... the weather was AWFUL thru the canyon... 10MPH at most and I was certain we would spin off a cliff to our deaths... so I climbed in the back seat and Grayson and I stuck it out to Price and then the roads were fine. We woke up Saturday and it was beautiful outside... minus the wind and only being 40 we got our packets and took the stroller and gman on the bus. We got to the starting line about 9:30 and the wind was FREEZING lucky for our stroller cover! So before the race I stood in line for the restroom... and this darling girl came up to me and asked "can I see your shirt" (We wear shirts with Blazes picture on them when we dedicate our runs to him) so I said 'Sure' the rest of our conversation went like this
"How old was he about 27 weeks?"
"he was 25"
"And He only Lived a Week? I am so sorry! I am a NICU nurse here with 2 of my friends who are NICU nurses too"
"Oh thats awesome where do you work?"
"At IMC in Salt Lake City"
"That is where we had him we LOVE that hospital we were taken care of so well when we were there"
"Oh I am so glad! It was so nice to meet you and today we will run our race for Blaze"
"thank You so much that is so nice"
and we went on our merry way... I told Ray about them and then we started our run. We did pretty good... my goal was NO COMPLAINING since I hadn't had much time to train being sick... I almost made it w/o complaint but not quite I thought I would die between mile 2 1/2 and 3 but after I decided not to complain anymore we did great and made it one minute under our goal time which was and hour and 15 min. At the end of the race our nurse angels showed up to take pictures with us. We talked and laughed and I saw Gods love for us and our little boy through women that I had no idea existed just an hour before. They were our reminder of angels that day. The more time passes the harder it is to feel Blaze close... I am sure he is soaking in time with Maleah and family we have lost in this life. These women reminded me of the impact that Blaze had in his one short week on earth he continues to bless us from heaven and I am so grateful for the tender mercy of angels on earth and angels in heaven. Jess, Chelsea, and Shamar our reminder of Angels and Greater things!
After the Race WE MADE IT!
They had a light parade and Gman loved the trees and lights we had a great time with just our little family.
It was a nice little get away and a great way to kick of training for our 1/2 marathon in the spring.

Happee Halloween

Grayson had his 9 month check up yesterday he is 19lbs 15 oz and 29 1/2 inches... 39% for weight 87% for height. He is one tall and getting to be skinny kid. He has had pink eye and they gave him his first flu shot and on top of it he is still getting his front teeth... he has been a little bit grumpy but still his happee little self. He was a Dinosaur for Halloween SO stinking cute!
We took him into work and Silas (Blu from Rio) and Logan (the angry money from Rio) were there. Grayson loves his cousins! Aren't they DARLING!! Ready to go Trick or Treating This boy LOVES his Daddy! I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutal :)
We took him trick or treating at Aunt Pattis house he had so much fun! We LOVE being this little boys parents the holidays are going to be great experiencing them all for the first time.