Christmas, Adios 2009 HELLO 2010

I LOVE this Picture! Ray and Nash (5 Months)

He is such a happee little guy we Love him!

Nash and Dexter our new little puppy Dexter loved him
Our new little addition Dexter he is ADORABLE We LOVE HIM! and he Loves to just lay in the middle of the kitchen floor... as seen here ha ha

My HANDSOME Husband! Look at that U Beanie...

Looks good right? I know I love this man!

We had a Great Christmas. We spent the week in Idaho with Rays family and had a great time minus the Stomach Flu shared by all... and I was lucky enough to have it on Christmas Eve Blah. Christmas was so good we were with people we Love and nothing is better than that! As mentioned we got Dexter... Rays Mom kept him for us and on Christmas morning I opened my last gift and it was his doggie bed and I squealed then she handed him to me with a bow on his head... he has brought so much Joy into our little family. He is so happee every time we come home and he loves to play... can't say enough about him we LOVE HIM.

2009 in Review

We have had a very trying year filled with more Joy than we ever hoped for and more heartache than we could ever imagine... we are so grateful to start a new year filled with Hope in better things to come for our little family. We are so grateful for the amazing LOVE and Support we have felt in our lives from so many so to all of you who have reached out in heart, in spirit, through prayer, comforting words, and thoughtful deeds we want you to know that we are SO BLESSED to have you in our lives! Thank You for loving us and for giving to our family in times of need. We LOVE YOU!

2010 Here We Come!

I think my theme for this year is going to be I can Do Hard Things... it sounds a little crazy but I have a need to prove to myself that I can do hard things... On my Mission I had an extremely hard time in the beginning. I was so homesick and thousands of miles from home... I wrote my mission President and told him I was giving it one more week and if things didn't get better I was going home. I gave it my all that week and it made all the difference in me staying... at the end of the week my Bishop called. What an AMAZING man who has shaped and blessed my life beyond measure. During that call he said " Sister Nessen You can do hard Things" I have thought about that sentence many times since... and have faced HARD things... so this year my goal is to do some hard things some that scare me and some that just need to be done.

A few of my goals

Run a half marathon with Ray for Blaze (March 20th Moab here we come)

No Dessert, Candy, or Pop until after our 1/2

Go Back to School

Find a New Job... if School won't work with the one I have

Continue our family... See doctors to help (This is a really hard and an emotional one for us)

Get Organized (Scrap booking one of the top ones on the list)

Serve more, Give more, & Love More

Have more Understanding of Gods Plan for our family

Find Joy in the Journey

Those are just a few on the list to finding more Hope and having more Faith in 2010.

HAPPEE NEW YEAR

Out of Reach

Have you ever felt like this?

This is how I feel a lot of the time lately... like the things I want the most in this life are just out of reach ... I'm not quite sure how to stretch any farther... and most of the things I want are out of my control.

Greatfully a new year is just around the corner... a time to change the things I can and learn to appreciate the things I can't.

Christmas Eve Already

I can't believe how fast this year has gone! One year ago tonight we were at Ashleighs house and I was bursting at the seams waiting to tell Ray we were pregnant... I took the test while he went to get gas then put it in his stocking... needless to say I hardly slept I was so excited for him to find out. Here we are one year later and I am amazed at all that has transpired. I feel like I am living from the outside looking in... I just can't wrap my head around the fact that this year is coming to a close so quickly.

We have been busy since the last post... tis the season right
Here are a few pics of the season :)

All the boys making Mom Kings famous Christmas punch... they wait all year for Christmas eve to come just to have this punch.

Grandpa Nessen & Abbi at the Nessen Family Party Dec 19th

I have no idea what everyone is laughing about but I love this pic! I have such a great family!

Grandma Nessen, Abbi & Maci

Grandma Nessen, Rhett & Tyke (isn't my Grandma Beautiful!)

Grandma Huffs Christmas Party isen't Kenna darling? My cousins Mykol & Nicci

Putting up the tree at our new place... not a great pic but we love it!

Me and Nash (5 months) Love this little Boy! (Thanksgiving at Huffs)

I have so much to be Thankful for! This season I am thankful that I have a family who loves and gives and shares the Gospel just in the way they live. I am Thankful for good friends who bless our lives with Love and Laughter... and I am Thankful for my Savior Jesus Christ. I have had some doubts about how this whole life thing works but as I have held onto the things I have been taught I am thankful that I know my Savior and I am thankful for the Hope I have in something better.

There's Only one more sleep till Christmas

Do you ever just wonder...

Ok so I have been a slacker at blogging and not for lack of things going on in our lives... we bought a new car in October, we've moved into a new place and a whole mix of things in between... but I never have my camera with me to upload pics so I will post pics of those things later.

Lately I feel insane... this is not a new thing I have felt this way for a while but it is now getting to the point that I have a hard time controlling my thoughts and sometimes my tearful reactions. Take for instance my trip to Target last week. I love Target for a number of reasons... however this shopping trip turned into a meltdown for me. I was there for over an hour because they moved everything around (it looks great but its extremely confusing) then when I got to the checkout I couldn't find a gift card I had been saving... as I searched frantically the line behind me got longer and longer and to no avail in finding it.. I just paid with our credit card GRRR... this resulted in tears as soon as I hit the parking lot they continued all the way home. Are you kidding me? What is with the meltdowns for no reason. This is just one of many meltdowns lately which leads me to wonder many things...

Does he hear me? Is Heavenly Father aware of me personally when there are BILLIONS of people that need him...
Am I doing what I agreed to in the life before this one?
If I knew it would be so painful and I would feel so lost would I still agree to it?
Why are my emotions so out of control?
Who am I really supposed to be?
How do I get from where I am to where I need to be?

Sometimes I just wonder if I am cut out for what lies ahead... will the craziness just get worse or will it get better with time? I hope it gets better or I'll be blogging from a padded room ha ha

Do you ever wonder or do you just know?

Live Today TOFW

So this past weekend I had the opportunity to go to Time Out For Women with some of the amazing women in my family. Talk about an AMAZING experience and just what I needed in my life at this time. The theme was 'Sweet Assurance' (pic above and I have no idea who that woman is) and it was absolutely sweet! This was their 1st time in Salt Lake City and I am certain it will not be their last. I am still on a high from it and feel like my life has changed because I was able to hear and feel of so many amazing womens experiences

On Friday night we were so blessed to hear music from Jenny Oaks Baker (Elder Oaks Daughter) she is a famous violinist and SOO talented. Sister Neilson (married to Elder Neilson of the 12) and Sherri Dew spoke talk about POWERFUL I love that woman. I was so moved on Friday that I could hardly wait for Saturday... well it proved to be just as amazing each speaker made an impact on my heart and made me want to be a better woman, a better wife, sister, daughter, aunt... the list goes on and on.

One of the major highlights for me was this woman

Hilary Weeks.

Ok I LOVE this woman and don't even know her but have listened to her music for years. She is one of the main reasons I wanted to go and when she opened on Saturday morning I felt so overcome by her talent. She is absolutely beautiful and has an amazing ability to share the spirit. She is funny, Witty, and amazingly talented. We bought her CDs before the event even started on Saturday and with each song she sang my sister and I would check our CDs to make sure that particular song was on there . I felt like what ever she was singing applied exactly to me and to the things going on in my life. There is one of her songs that I have adapted as my 'theme' song because it says exactly how I feel at this point in my life.

Saturday was 6 Months since the birth of Blaze and I think by no coincidence I was meant to hear all of TOFW and particularly hear Hilary sing. The song is on her new album If I only Had Today and it is called "Just Let me Cry" (here is just a little clip of the chorus I will try to post more soon www.hilaryweeks.com/clip.php?clipid=justlet) it speaks exactly what my heart feels. So many of her songs do that for me. I have made a goal since this event to replace the not so spiritual things in my life (such as music) with thing that will allow me to hear the voice of the Lord more clearly. I am indebted to all the women who spoke at the conference and particularly to Hilary Weeks. I am grateful that she is sharing her talent with us as Women and Daughters of God. Christmas is coming soon so check out her new Christmas album it just went on sale a few weeks ago here is a link to more info on her too http://deseretbook.com/hilaryweeks (below is a picture)

My Sister and Mother in Law went to get our things autographed from here while I was taking a little break. They took my CD to her and it wasn't until I got home that I read her message is said

Dear Janet,

Live Today

Hilary Weeks

I read it to Ray and my eyes filled with tears that is exactly what I need to do is Live Today. She didn't know that but I feel that she was inspired to write it...
I just know that if I could stick her in my pocket I would for sure make it to Heaven. She inspires me to be better and to know that God Loves me despite all of my weaknesses and heartaches. He hears me, he knows me, and he Loves me and because of her I am able to remember that. I feel so blessed and so grateful!

Chosen One

Our darling friend Liz sent us this wonderful poem last week and I wanted to post it on our blog. It rings true in ever sense for me. The test of Faith seems to come the hardest these days. Thank You Liz for loving us and for sharing!

Chosen One
(I don't know who wrote it)

If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you..

If God had told me "this soul will one day need extra care", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith", I still would have chosen you...

If God had told me "this soul would make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river", I still would have chosen you..

If He had told me "our time spent together here on Earth could be short", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me 'all that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you...

Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you...

Tomorrow we are going to order Blazes headstone I can't even begin to express what this does to my heart... we have put it off or at least I have because it seems so final and so heart wrenching and I am tired of my heart being wrenched to say the least. With all that has drastically changed in our lives I still would have chosen Blaze to be in our family. He's the reason I go on when everything in me wants to stop. I can not yet say I am grateful for this experience I just hope whatever God needs for me to learn is being learned because I feel completely broken beyond repair. It is wearing on me, my wonderful husband, and my faith. Heaven give me strength to understand and the ability to move forward.

(just a little side note I realize my blog may become depressing my intention is not to make you feel depressed. This has become my outlet and journal (plan on printing it into a book) So as one of our cousins posted on her blog I don't apologize for anything written here it is my release and my support so Thank You for those who read I love each of you and am so thankful for your support)

Inspiring

This is my sister Ashleigh

AMAZING and INSPIRING (and not to mention BEAUTIFUL)

Ashleigh is my ROCK and such an inspiration to me! She has been thru so much and is full of Faith, Love, Courage, and Perserveriance. Ash lost her little girl Maliah due to early complications in pregnancy. I wasn't here for her I was on my mission and now going thru this loss with Blaze I don't know how she did it. I am so grateful to have her as my Rock she is one who truely understands lifes heartaches with me. I have no doubt we chose to be sisters in the life before this one and I am so grateful because I could not make it thru this life without her! She is so Inspiring to me! I LOVE HER!

This is Abby (from the Biggest Loser)

Completely INSPIRING

For those of you who haven't been watching the Biggest Loser Abby is AMAZING! Last night was a heart wrenching night on the Biggest Loser. Abby shared her story as Jillian was asking her how she does it... how does she keep going when everyone she loved was taken from her. She shared that 2 1/2 weeks after her little boy was born she wasn't feeling well so she had decided to go to the emergency room to get it checked out. Her little 5 year old girl came running out to the car and told her "Mommy I Love You" She kissed her and got in the car. That night her husband loaded the kids in there van and 5 miles from their home was hit by a man doing over 100 MPH it killed them all instantly. HOLY COW rip my heart out! How does she even get out of bed in the morning? I am so impressed with her courage and strength to go on when something so tragic has happened to her. I personally don't know if I could do it! She said she came on the show to learn "how to love again to go from just existing to living."

SHE IS AMAZING

For me the phrase "to go from merely existing to living" Is much easier said than done. A few things on the show hit home with me last night... I find that most of the time I am just existing because I am not ready to live again. I am learning how to move back into living but it is not an easy nor a fun process. Jillian also said to Shay (who I also LOVE) that she was "the Victim of and unfortunate circumstance but not the reason for it" (her Mom was a heroine addict who died). Here goes a bit of bearing my soul.... I have so often thought that Blaze didn't live because of me... I gave in too soon, I exercised too much... a million things that I should have done differently that may have saved him. I have no idea how Abby or Shay feel but I feel that I can relate on a certain level to both of them.

Life is unbearably HARD sometimes and watching the show it is a big realization that so many people struggle so much. I can't imagine loosing my whole family in one day... or in one lifetime but I do know how it feels to lose part of my family. I can't imagine what it feels like to have your mother care more about her addictions than Loving her child but I can relate to being part of a very unfortunate circumstance.

I have such a huge range of emotions I would give ANYTHING to have Blaze back the coming holidays are proving to be harder than I thought... I would give ANYTHING to be pregnant again... I feel like such a snot sometimes! I am sorry if I don't talk to you because your pregnant or have just had your baby it is not because I am not happee for you I genuinely am... I just miss my baby and I hope you understand that! I hope you understand my greiving is FAR from over it has nothing to do with you personally. I am trying to put my trust in God and have enough Faith to not merely exist but to live. So to all of you who inspire me to be better and stick by me while I am trying so hard to move forward

THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU!!