One Year Ago

Last night Ray and I went for a run (my first time in 3 weeks grrr). My body seemed to fight me the entire way, I was hot and every step took a lot of effort. We just went 2 miles and my goal was to run it in 22 minutes (I'm not very fast I know) We always end on a hill because of where our house is and it makes it that much harder to push thru to the end. Well I knew my time was close so I tried sprinting to the end up the hill... just about 100 meters from the end I couldn't go anymore... I started walking then had one more burst of sprinting till the end. I sat on the curb for a few minutes trying to make sure my heart wasn't going to burst. I finished in 22 min and 17 sec We walked up hill to our house and I threw myself on the couch... I just sat there so upset that it was so hot and so hard and I missed my goal by 17 seconds!
As I sat there I found myself reflecting on the past year... May had been a very reflective month... I thought of a year ago yesterday our little boy was life flighted and I knew the out come from the minute they moved him to take him to Primarys... I knew that the next 24 hours would be the hardest we would ever face.. and it turned out to be just what I had felt. Ray came in and I burst into tears... I told him I have so much harbored anger... I get so frustrated when everything seems to be so hard. My sweet friend Kayla was having a hard week and she said "do you ever just cry at the injustice of this world" I told Ray that was part of my frustration some people seem to struggle their whole lives no matter what they do they seem to just scrape by and others seem to just fall into luck... So all of my tears last night were for the things that I feel are unjust.
Today marks one year since we let out sweet little Blaze return to heaven. Thinking about that day is surreal... I remember every detail, every phone call to family, every nurse and doctor, almost every breath our little boy took in his final moments. I remember being in a tiny room surrounded by people we love all squished together in love and support for our little family. I remember watching my sweet husband hold Blaze to give him a blessing and I remember all the tears shed for a loss so great. I remember leaving the hospital and having to call the mortuary knowing we would never again in this life see our little boy alive. And I remember driving home just staring out the window... passing hundreds of people thinking... no one has any idea what we have just been thru the world just keeps going when ours has stopped.
So today... one year later we still hurt, we still cry, and we still mourn. And today I am grateful for my Savior I have more love for him than I did a year ago, I have more hope than I did a year ago and I hope I have more faith than I did a year ago. I have a stronger testimony of the atonement than I did a year ago. This year has been hard there is no doubt and on the flip side this year has allowed us to see the hand of God thru others in our lives.
We stand amazed as a family at the out pouring of love we have felt from those who are close to us and those we have never met. Thank You for loving our family! Thank You for your countless prayers in our behalf. Thank you for your service to us and to those around you. And Thank You for being the hands of heaven in our lives. We are blessed beyond measure even through trials we know God loves us. WE LOVE YOU!

And to our Angel Blaze we miss you everyday Thank You for coming to our family. Thank You for bringing so much to the world in such a short time. We can't wait to see you again WE LOVE YOU!